Navy Pier

stoic? lilted breeze? final stanza is quite good

Here's the grammar bit: You don't need a comma between stoic and cobalt. "It's" should "its", and I had trouble remembering that 'it' was Lake Michigan. I'd consider saying "the lilted breeze" and running the sentence into the next stanza, instead. At any rate, the second bit needs a little work. You've got "as I drank" doing double duty as subordinate clause for two main clauses, a big No-no. The best I can come up with for a revision would be something like:

I can still hear Lake Michigan's
soft and stoic cobalt breakers.
The lilted breeze by the Beer Garden
mixed so well with your silly laugh,

blew your russet hair against my cheek
as I drank the rest of your warm Black & Tan,
stared at the shimmering of your freckled shoulder,
half concerned that sweat and sun could make such splendor.

I'm not really pleased with that - as you've pointed out, I'm not great shakes at poetry-writing lately. But you get the idea.

Some other little things:
1) "stared at" bothers me. I hate that construction, and though everyone on this site is bound to bust my ass for saying it, I like "watched" a lot better. Or "stared ______ at" with some adverb or other (hard, sleepily, stupidly, come to mind) inserted.

2) I wasn't really prepared for "half-concerned". Looking back for clues, I get the "silly" girl who doesn't deserve to be so splendorous - and that's about it. Maybe it's enough and I just wasn't paying enough attention the first time; see what other people think about it.

3) "so well" is a waste of space, a place-holder expression. You can think of a better description.

4) You should break the line after "sun". Then you get an easy half-rhyme with "Tan" and you don't have to worry about the last line being much longer than any of the others.

That's about it. It's not bad, really. Definitely the best of your posts.

Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it.

Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.

the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.

And "still" - same thing.

LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.

Suppose you had done instead

Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]

See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?

But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.

Feels like T.S. in the line about the silly laughter and in the almost "non-sequitur" feel in the lines about the skin, sweat and sun that bring it all together. Love it.

It's cool over here

what is spledor?

Others are attempting genuine feedback. I'll attempt the same, stipulating that this is a fine effort that I like very much. I'm most concerned with two incongruities:

1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment.

2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.

Were you afraid to fall in love with a girl unworthy?

Imagery reminiscent of Sandburg? Are you a sandburger? -9-

Sure's better than the first, 8.

concerned. intersting. not sure i like it but it's better than the first time 'round