zodiac10 Nov 2004

Sorry, none of it holds together. Now you seems like you're trying to make it:

Image(JOKES)
Image(MISSIVES)

Image(HIS WOUNDS)
Image(MY WOUNDS)

JOKES,
HIS WOUNDS,
MISSIVES,
MY WOUNDS.

Not only is that a totally unnatural construction, but it falls apart or is inconsistent all over the place. Like how in stanza 2 you have either "Black limbs sagging frosty and white" or "frosty and white Tan earth hidden". Jesus.

The best fix is to change lines 3-4 to be an image for his wounds and lines 7-8 to be an image for your wounds somehow related to the "black limbs sagging". You see? The black limbs are now your missives. Which is good, because they reach out but in a sagging weak kind of way. Now ask yourself, what are they surrounding? Not tan earth, and earth doesn't seem really wounded anyway. It has to hold together. Anyway, it should be easy from there. Limbs can surround any number of things that represent wounds, like - I don't know - shattered birdsnests or sections of sky or something. You lose the "closer to the ground" thing then, but that was kind of irrelevant anyway; it can just as easily be who's higher up.