Free verse № 115248
An Afternoon Walk
Snow on the ground,
shallow and dirty.
Up in the trees
itâs crusty and clean.
Walking and talking,
cars kicking dust,
it settles still dry
on the roadside snow.
White seems more bright,
in this afternoon light,
and dust is not only
kicked up by the cars.
Snow jokes like a salve
and covers his wounds
and rambles like honey,
sweetening mine.
And dust in the snow
becomes gaps in his lines
or dark flaws
in my light-hearted tales.
Both are designed
to look white and bright,
to cover the dark things -
dirt and limb.
Which are more lofty
covering whiter?
Which bear the dust
of weaker defense?
83 comments
Like brain cancer.
the third stanza
is utter crap, but...
I didn't know weaker defense was dusty?
And I've never seen snow with dust, because
dust is dry, do you mean silt? or dusty snow?
Only you could make an afternoon walk, this
fucking confusing.
Dust is dry as it moves windborne in the air and remains dry when it falls on snow. Only if the snow begins to melt does the dust become damp.
and cheat you in a thousand ways, but no man can deprive you of the control and use of your imagination.
That's why I say nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere Ignorance and consciencious stupidity.I am sure that I'm going to get some kind of
smart comment from someone, but understand! What people
think of me isn't any of my business.And I would like for you to remember that my friend.
With respect to your constant demeaning of 'smart' people. It reminds me of the time my negro maid fired this gem at me when I read her my masterpiece: "I have no time for false intellectualism". I was so humbled I modified my masterpiece. I ask her every day what she thinks. It garners the same reply. Every day I modify my masterpiece. Will I ever achieve true intellectualism.
P: Snow is cold
P:(the sun is a generator of all
it reflects all frequencies of light)
C: The snow makes me warm.
Maybe you're right, Dovina. It's not about absolute smarts or ignorance, here, since clearly the dimmest among us is as likely to think he's smart as anyone else, and to think everyone else is dim. It's more about whether you can take being called "A perfectly shaped football-sized turd of illiteracy couched in a rather damp briefcase" (or something such) and having your glaring errors nestled around your ears like so many meat-laurels every time you log onto the site, until you either meet to our demands or find some way to justify ignoring us.
When you spell out there mistakes they listen.I know it works both ways.
anyone if they have a flaw in there poems. he just makes fun of them and a lot of people on this site are trying very hard to become good poem writers including myself. sure your going to have people on this site that's going to have smart remark's,
but they still tell you what you need to do to improve.
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a) the "shallow and dirty snow" and "crusty and clean" snow are the jokes, and the "black limbs sagging" and "tan earth" are the missives;
b) or the "shallow and dirty snow" and "black limbs sagging" are the jokes, and the "crusty and clean" snow and the "tan earth" are the missives. There's no other way around it.
If a), how are his jokes both "shallow and dirty" and low, and "crusty and clean" and lofty? And how are "black limbs sagging" and "tan earth hidden" missives? The limbs, maybe, reach out - that works. But the earth is the opposite; it's passive and hidden. Sure, you can be reaching out and being passive and hidden probably, but not in metaphor land.
Choice b) seems more likely. You get "shallow and dirty" and kind of desparate limbs reaching out and sagging for the jokes. But then you get clean tree snow and hidden earth for the missives. How are either of those missives? And aren't they still opposites?
Go ahead, tell me where I've gone wrong.
Image(JOKES)
Image(MISSIVES)
Image(HIS WOUNDS)
Image(MY WOUNDS)
JOKES,
HIS WOUNDS,
MISSIVES,
MY WOUNDS.
Not only is that a totally unnatural construction, but it falls apart or is inconsistent all over the place. Like how in stanza 2 you have either "Black limbs sagging frosty and white" or "frosty and white Tan earth hidden". Jesus.
The best fix is to change lines 3-4 to be an image for his wounds and lines 7-8 to be an image for your wounds somehow related to the "black limbs sagging". You see? The black limbs are now your missives. Which is good, because they reach out but in a sagging weak kind of way. Now ask yourself, what are they surrounding? Not tan earth, and earth doesn't seem really wounded anyway. It has to hold together. Anyway, it should be easy from there. Limbs can surround any number of things that represent wounds, like - I don't know - shattered birdsnests or sections of sky or something. You lose the "closer to the ground" thing then, but that was kind of irrelevant anyway; it can just as easily be who's higher up.
To be doing it right, you should come out with either
Image(jokes)
Image(his wounds)
Image(missives)
Image(my wounds)
Such are the jokes
that cover his wounds
and the missives
surrounding mine
----OR (and this is a stretch)----
Image(jokes)
Image(missives)
Image(his wounds)
Image(my wounds)
Such are the jokes, etc etc etc.
If you don't have that, it just doesn't make any fucking sense. People try to fit it into a Jokes, wounds, Missives, wounds structure and get "crusty and clean" snow being his wounds and "tan earth" being your wounds and HOW THE HELL IS CRUSTY SNOW SOMEONE'S WOUNDS???!?! Trust me, ANYONE is going to back me up on this. Oh, wait, I've forgotten. You don't trust the opinion of any person on this site except that moron Dan Garcia-Black. Well, take a jump down a manhole, then. I might as well be talking to a fucking vegetable. Sheesh.
Snow on the ground
(Snow is a covering, a shroud â his jokes or my missives)
shallow and dirty
(contaminated, showing traces of the thing covered â pain)
Up in the trees
itâs crusty and clean
(uncontaminated snow on limbs â effective jokes or missives)
Black limbs sagging
(limbs and anything dark = pain)
frosty and white
(pain covered and unseen)
Tan earth hidden
(earth = pain)
âneath snow and dust
(only partially hidden)
Such are the jokes
(jokes = snow)
that cover his wounds
and the missives
(missives = snow)
surrounding mine
Which are more lofty
(his jokes or my missives?)
covering whiter?
Which bear the dust
(his jokes or my missives?)
Of weaker defense?
(weaker = contaminated with dust)
a) shallow and dirty snow doesn't immediately suggest to me (or anyone else, apparently) "traces of the thing covered - pain", so I think you missed the mark;
b) taking the parallels in the metaphor HisJokes/HisPain, HerMissives/HerPain across the stanza break was really fucking confusing. I'm still not sure I get it;
c) And you've got about 4 pains and 4 things hidding by the time you get to the "such are the jokes" part, where the metaphor effectively stops and the metaphor-explanation begins. My suggestion: Just straighten it out. Make his pain something that's actually covered by the snow on the ground, like the ground. Make her pain something that's actually surrounded by your limbs/missives. Something like,
Snow on the ground
shallow and dirty
[Covering the frost-scarred
ground or something.]
Black limbs sagging
frosty and white
[Clutching a piece
of hard blue sky or something.]
Such are the jokes
that cover his wounds...
That is all.
I suggest you write two further verses about pine forests and cold soil. Until there are changes I reserve my vote.
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