Ranger13 Mar 2006

Not bad, but it needs work. Stanza 1: First line is great but would profit from more imaginative language (give a bit of colour to it). Line two "your" should be "you're". "In confused nature" sounds too much like you're trying to be pseudo-philosophical.
Stanza 2: again the first line isn't bad, but it gets meaningless with the second line. 'When together we're apart...' is fine, but 'when together we're apart and away' loses any real sense. It seems like you meant something else but didn't quite make it work as you intended.
Stanza 3 is a little cliched - try and replace 3/4 of the lines with something a little more original.
Stanza 4 is good.

Hope these suggestions are of some use.