DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

i realize

Member since 2006 · Posted 12 Mar 2006 · 4 comments

so as the day is ending and your so far away i think in confused nature about us today when together we're apart and away i think of you but forever seems right now and i'm always so confused my mind is always racing and when i see i freeze but when we start to talk i've known you all my years so as i say goodnight not to your face as i'd wish i realize whats wrong all i want is a kiss

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5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

4 comments

[n/a] http://robynhood 12-Mar-06/3:39 PM Reply

in my mind as i read this everything is still a blur

[5] matt door 12-Mar-06/6:48 PM Reply

Read this aloud before you post it next time - sounds quite improper - does it not? Thought and emotion are placed well - but grammar and meter is quite lacking.

[7] Ranger 13-Mar-06/5:14 AM Reply

Not bad, but it needs work. Stanza 1: First line is great but would profit from more imaginative language (give a bit of colour to it). Line two "your" should be "you're". "In confused nature" sounds too much like you're trying to be pseudo-philosophical.
Stanza 2: again the first line isn't bad, but it gets meaningless with the second line. 'When together we're apart...' is fine, but 'when together we're apart and away' loses any real sense. It seems like you meant something else but didn't quite make it work as you intended.
Stanza 3 is a little cliched - try and replace 3/4 of the lines with something a little more original.
Stanza 4 is good.

Hope these suggestions are of some use.

[4] zodiac 13-Mar-06/9:06 AM Reply

Invest in education. It makes relationships so much less blurry.