lmp2 Jun 2006

nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point.

a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements:
S2L4 needs -> need.
S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm.
S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe.
S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n".


the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved"

nice; a bit of tweaking will help.