poemranker ::A Sleepless Night by EJHW

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Other № 143781

A Sleepless Night

by EJHW

Member since 2006 · Posted 2 Jun 2006 · 2 comments

When silence fills the caverns of my mind, and peace becomes a warm embrace, the world’s no more in pain confined. It is indeed an open, airy, friendly place. The wind outside explores its vast domain. The trees whisper, the rhythms rise and fade. But overall a mist of sadness does remain. The world’s in peace, not yet remade. Will it ever be a place where mind is free, where simple souls can be at rest? Where the Lord can let us be, where good enough needs not be best? Perhaps there is a time, perhaps a place somewhere still not discovered, within the great eternal hall of space, Where you and I can live again, beloved.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 4.67 weighted 4.96 rank 8635 views 147 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

2 comments

[7] lmp 2-Jun-06/3:26 PM Reply
nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point.

a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements:
S2L4 needs -> need.
S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm.
S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe.
S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n".


the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved"

nice; a bit of tweaking will help.
[7] Ranger 2-Jun-06/4:29 PM Reply
Agreed with Imp, I'd also suggest you need a little more tactility in the last two stanzas and a few more rhythmic/grammatical alterations. 'Mist of sadness does remain' is a nice line, but personally I dislike use of 'do/does' as syllabic filler - it brings nothing grammatically and could be overcome easily ('mist of sadness still remains', or something similar). As far as first posts go, though, I've seen much worse. Welcome to poemranker - my tip is that if you want comments (which I assume you do) you're going to need to give a lot out. People seem to have been very quiet recently; you need to get their attention.