nentwined15 Feb 2007

ending, now--that's the end of the poem, there. you've told us too much, and we don't care. Start elsewhere, make us feel things are ending. yeah, way too much tell throughout.

Start at "Fuck", and you've got something better. Well, until you get to "So we moved on".

still, you might have something here, in the back of your head, to convey. Just not conveyed in the poem.