god'swife6 Dec 2002

There is so much going on here, you really need to hold back, I know it's hard at your age. Trust me.


tender lids
Darkened in sleep.
You seem new.

Do not venture beyond that. It says everything.

Get rid of 'over' in stanza 2(otherwise perfect)

Also 'soon to bleed' in stanza one, you don't need it. Your emotion comes shining through. Trust the audience.

'Pouty' is also an un-needed adjective, 'perfect' says it all.

Complete 'morn' to morning.

I wish
I wis I could know you.