Free verse № 28886
missing time
I awake
with premonition.
panicked hand
skids for paperscrap
to record the last moments
of this dream
of missing time.
my bare wrist crossed with hers
faded blanket bunched
arm jackknifed round the front
curled fingers
over pallid cheek placed
like the careful arrangement
of a Japanese print
as she breathes
through chapped lips,
so perfect.
tender lids
darkened, in sleep.
you seem new.
i want to touch
with one finger
the soft swell
under your chin
when you've lost
all rigidity
no more angles of attack
with your head
to the pillow.
in the madness of morning
cold wind from the window
streams down the wall
where someone's cat
sticks fluffy black paws
through a gap in the door
can I peel away day
to lay bare the clutched core?
there's no time
there's no time.
you're driving home today.
wake up, buttercup
you're late
I blink twice
and you're gone.
in my head
like a song.
44 comments
tender lids
Darkened in sleep.
You seem new.
Do not venture beyond that. It says everything.
Get rid of 'over' in stanza 2(otherwise perfect)
Also 'soon to bleed' in stanza one, you don't need it. Your emotion comes shining through. Trust the audience.
'Pouty' is also an un-needed adjective, 'perfect' says it all.
Complete 'morn' to morning.
I wish
I wis I could know you.
It's so hard to get rid of some words,
they are children in the brambles
with scratches and dirt
but beloved none the less.
I shall be merciless.
BTW you rock.
Read me,
Love me,
Rank me.
So selfish
But i still want to say "morn" instead of "morning". It just sounds better to my ear... Hrmm...
and, by the way, the scrap of paper bit at the beginning is spot on. do you know about the large-muscle-movement/brain chemistry changes that occur when brain function shifts? and that the chemical released by the muscles trigger it?
and I changed morning to morn. But then it seemed out of place, so I changed it back to morning again. Thouroughly modern.
Rate me
rate me
rate me
again.
Hoom Humm Hoom...
"as she breathes/through chapped lips/so perfect."
i guess i have to listen when u give me advise now
great poem again now i see wut u mean by sayin u know how i felt
(Forgot to stick with the Star Wars quotes.)
The only thing I take issue with is the question posed in the ninth stanza. While the diction and intent match, it seems awkward enough there to interrupt the flow of the piece.
~William Zanzibar Bubbington, Jr.
I try to give constructive criticism but, there's nothing I can offer that would improve this fine piece.
I humbly solicit your critiques, Mr. 10.
question:any chance you could review 2 of my peoms? 'Memory' and 'Incomplete'? i would really appreciate it
-im a spaz please dont pay attention to me-
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