nentwined27 Jan 2003

honestly, it's very hard to come up with constructive criticism. Not because it's the worst poem ever written, but because... it's like all the worst poems ever written, to a degree. I've probably written more poems than anyone else ever wanted me to in this vein, and... somehow, over time, my writing changed. It may not be any better, but I manage to fail in more unique ways now, I hope.

The theme you present, "ode to my lost soul" a.k.a. "I'm bleeding my heart out, dammit, and it's messy", is very difficult to do anything with. Actually, a thought -- I'm sure it's been done, but it might be interesting: how about varying your pleas for help with your "other's" responses. or even, pretend they're writing some sort of poem about you; probably not in the same vein, but... get in their head and give us a more developed picture of the situation.

So beyond that (and it's really hard to get beyond that, so this advice is likely less helpful than it could be) -- the rhythm/cadence/flow of the poem stumbles. Try getting a friend to read it out loud -- wherever it sounds wrong to you when they read it, work on it. Poetry isn't just about linebreaks and occasional sing-songiness (it can be, but you should REALLY know what you're doing in that case, and still most folks (probably including me) won't appreciate it).

And lastly (but not least... ly?) -- the poem is "fluffy". The statements are, for a poem, relatively vague and not indicative of any sort of strong imagery; there's nothing that makes me want to connect, and there's nothing that forces me to connect.