god'swife4 Apr 2003

Stick to the first story, I was so interested. Is it really "bed" be more honest, direct, about this prison. Forget the pheonix, too out-of-context for this fairy-tale. L12-13 is gorgeous. Think about that, follow through. Never, ever speak of yourself in the 3rd person. Well that's an exaggeration, but it usually comes accross as pompous.


Hers was not an apple.
Hers was a jetplane.

A 21st century Icarus.
Wanting to fly
Out of the spell.
Breaking tower glass.
Escaping labyrinths.

She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning
Her hair into a golden ladder
Climbing past her needy mother.
Swinging the windows open.
I attempted a rescue, but the thorns
The thorns got her first,
and after all, I still had a kingdom to manage.
Me and my stallion rode away
and left her to stamp and throw rampion...

You've got to carry through with this story. It's ok you started with Icarus but stay Rapunzel, if you know what I mean. Are you a knowledgeable musician? Do you improvise? It's the same here. You must listen for what sounds right. Sometimes the words don't make sense but the rythmns and the vowels are make up the melody, then the words comes. Just keep doing it. Set high standards for yourself and read, every spare moment. I see promise here.