Beauty, sleeping

Wow were screwed up fairy tale you got there but i liked it till i got to the captain part but it got good again with the wolf so here is a great big Eight

Well this does show moderate talent. We all know that you are capable of far more superior works...It provided something else for me to think about. ThX, Ranger.
l8r. I kinda like ya. YOu have a good personality

Brave.

After reading mucho of your stuff I find this has some choice lines but it needs to woven in parts, I will have a better look and vote tomorrow but imagine britney spears tits being covered up in a woolly jumper and you got this poem, you know the beautys there but you cant quite see it. Anyway apparently ranger we belong to a brit pack? gotta go or she'll be moody

Oh my god! How could I have ever of doubted you! This is superb. Genius. As horus8 says: Brave. Just brave. I am humbled here on a Sunday night watching snow fall outside my window. Grim one and Grim two would dare call this: provocative, cunning, heart felt. You will go far in your writing career. I now have no doubt. Congratulations, Mr Ranger. You win!!!

Sweet child, here it is. Here you have it. I will not criticize this because it is only a matter of small traditions, suh as puncuation and grammar. For now it doesn't matter, you are to young to be concerned with how you place your fingers, or exactly how strong or lightly the vibrato should sound. At your age all that matters is the ability to tap into the pysche and all its profound wisdom. Study every writer you love, copy them, ask for assignments. The precious thing that can't be taught I see here, in this poem. Focus on that for now. The direct link to the experience, make it all come crashing in. Technique is easy to master. Expression is a bitch. So for now, while you're still young and malleable learn how to express. It is a rare thing in men, and I for one, being a woman, am constantly searchig for insight to the other. I wilkl come back and edit this in a week or two. For now just be proud.

Kind of all over the place. The lines "hurl lettuces
And fairies
They cast a spell at me" cracked me up, though.

Stick to the first story, I was so interested. Is it really "bed" be more honest, direct, about this prison. Forget the pheonix, too out-of-context for this fairy-tale. L12-13 is gorgeous. Think about that, follow through. Never, ever speak of yourself in the 3rd person. Well that's an exaggeration, but it usually comes accross as pompous.


Hers was not an apple.
Hers was a jetplane.

A 21st century Icarus.
Wanting to fly
Out of the spell.
Breaking tower glass.
Escaping labyrinths.

She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning
Her hair into a golden ladder
Climbing past her needy mother.
Swinging the windows open.
I attempted a rescue, but the thorns
The thorns got her first,
and after all, I still had a kingdom to manage.
Me and my stallion rode away
and left her to stamp and throw rampion...

You've got to carry through with this story. It's ok you started with Icarus but stay Rapunzel, if you know what I mean. Are you a knowledgeable musician? Do you improvise? It's the same here. You must listen for what sounds right. Sometimes the words don't make sense but the rythmns and the vowels are make up the melody, then the words comes. Just keep doing it. Set high standards for yourself and read, every spare moment. I see promise here.

I have commented on lots of your poems that were similar to these but i see you like to reedit quite a lot and i forget what they were like in the first place! but this is funny and seriously random which is alwayys a good thing! X

This is still my favourite of your early stuff...

I think your trying to deal with too many myths and stories in one poem and it needs line breaks, grammar, (i am one to talk on grammar) but their is something their most definitely.

This is much more pulled together than the other one! (good editing! Hard to do, sometimes!)
It is still alittle awkward right there...needs a smoother transition...maybe something like>?

So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces
And the fairies danced
To cast a spell at me
I dodged and she slept for a hundred years