Goad26 Jan 2004

mmmm, yummy word soup. I'm such a sucker for syncopation.

L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause?
L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee.

L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale.

you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can.

i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.