Free verse № 81046
Reconstruction
Iâve given
up on great dreaming
watching your beloved train wreck
scatter debris â
a ruin of start.
Your stop signs bent rusted and knock-kneed,
a gutter of promise and threadbare.
This all feels pothole and picture portrait,
with vignette colors standing out so lonely.
Iâm tired
of rubble and five oâclock shadows
at three in the morning.
Sirens call out for validation
and a truce of battlements
while this deconstruction of residential
zoning half-burnt brick
and mortar shell shines.
I loved
you and your tired desolation â
every pebble, every cornerstone crack.
From the tip of your flagpole
to the sepia sewage grate,
I sing
these battle hymns to Dixie,
cotton and unbroken.
But it just feels folktale, and near the end,
when we heard
the marching machine of man
I knew
you would never even give me the courtesy
of rebuild.
44 comments
zoning half-burnt brick and mortar shell shining," doesn't form a clause. What happens "while"? I would understand if you meant for it to be like that, with the abruptness of "rebuild" and all, but if not it needs a verb. I would also take the "sweet" out of "sweet train wreck" and even (really controlling unsolicited advice here) drop the "and" from the beginning of that line and the "The" before sirens. It's really good otherwise. Don't think I criticized so much because I don't like it. You'll see I'm harder on the good ones.
i agree with dropping "and" and "The", nice catch
i did mean for the passage to not form a clause but i'm still debating if it works
i think if people keep getting hung up it may be a problem
i'm not sold on taking out "sweet"
there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed
Maybe, but not 'sweet.' Of course, you'll find I am the shameless (and rather zealous) scourge of poetic adjectives and modifiers.
but sometimes on the rare occasion they fit
still, i'm open to suggestions, got any?
also, do you think the un-ended clause works?
i personally don't go for any of those, but thanks
also, i could change it from "shining" to "shines" and that would complete the clause...
same gist, more over the top in keeping with the rest. or beloved? used there it would almost be an epithet...
this is the best interaction i've had anywhere online
L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause?
L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee.
L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale.
you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can.
i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.
i agree with 6&8 but have no quick solutions at the moment
made many of the changes you suggested for 23&24 but "these" stays
fixed "heard" (definitely made this tighter, thanks again)
courtesy should stay i think
In line 8 (if you want to follow Goad's track, which is pretty good) you might consider changing 'many', which is not poetic in the sense you're aiming for. If you do, don't think of synonyms for many, think of something on the fringe of synonymity (which is not, as far as I know, a real word.)
I'm not as worried about the Dixie battle hymns as Goad is. But he's got a good ear.
I of course would not be able to resist saying "with the van gogh colours standing out lonely" lolololol
with effete colors standing out so lonely.
thoughts?
hit'n'miss colours??
stray bullet colours??
and i'm looking for a word that implies washed-out, used up
I'm canadian.
your used up colors standing out so lonely
that gives you everything, an alliteration, a molossus for continued syncoptatic goodness, and the implication you desire. lol.
and implies that the ornate decoration is standing out lonely because the actual photo doesn't measure up
with effete colors standing out so lonely,
like wither'd husks in the moonlight.
like wither'd tusks in the moonlight
like wither'd husks in the moonlight."
Sadly, the best two lines written on poemranker today. I had to repeat them.
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