Shuushin22 Mar 2004

I'm going to echo caffrey - but elaborate by saying the “too many” words are precisely the ones you've put in to sound like “poetry”.

Here's a test - take out the rhyming words - does the meaning change? If it doesn't - why have them?

You word choices should add value. You've got shattered twice, btw - and five "t"'s between them. And my pet peeve, extraneous prepositional phrases.

Try not to trade meaning for rhyme – what you are trying to convey (the idea of which I like, btw) is complicated enough as it is – focus on that.

Maybe, as an exercise, make the same poem without rhyming?