| regarding some deleted poem... |
xxx |
16-Nov-03/9:49 AM |
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The picture you paint! Love Sick. Sea Sick. Motion Sick.
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| Re: I AM... by CHUNMOON |
INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-03/9:52 AM |
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yes, no need to shout. 6. show more/ tell less. create some new meatphors.
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| Re: This is Bad by newagepoet2000 |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/6:54 AM |
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LoL - actually, this is wicked funny.
A potential classic.
-9-
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| Re: hello eternity by justjay |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/6:57 AM |
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Not too bad, I think the "then" in stanza three wants to be a "than"
-7-
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| Re: A Coven of Toes by sixtoedwonder |
ShaNoN+960317485 |
16-Nov-03/6:59 AM |
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ill do just that mate ( Later on dont say i took ya pants:o)
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| Re: Oh No! by foothangingoutofass |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:00 AM |
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a pretty good, if done, image.
This kindof thing comes pretty easy to most people, even non-poets
-5-
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| Re: This Stinks by smarmyfaurt |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:08 AM |
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| Re: My daddy taught me about being a good sport by horus8 |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:12 AM |
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hey - that's actually a good sentiment, and well said.
-8-
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| Re: Zinnias are a funny flower by Bachus |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:15 AM |
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I think with some line breaks, and a little more fleshing out of this balcony character this could be more interesting.
A peppering of well put sentiments would be well served by some structure.
-8- ? wish there was a 7.5
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| Re: WASTED by titan69 |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:18 AM |
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kindof a enviro-political pimple.
Reach a bit for those expressions, seek specificity like the good ones in that third line ("wind" could be better served though).
-7-
as an aside - most people worry more about the second and third world folks than we who are hindered by bureacracy.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
ShaNoN+960317485 |
16-Nov-03/8:40 AM |
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:o)So thats whats wrong with me...Heehehe, dont think so
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| Re: I AM... by CHUNMOON |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:24 AM |
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STOP THE SHOUTING.
horrey cow. The last three lines gel very nicely, but I can't help thinking there's a more forceful way to make this case.
Most of the power is lost in heat (as is often the case).
It almost pushes through though...
-7-
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| Re: Koori by amielou82 |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/7:36 AM |
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Well. This made me look up what a "Koori", what it means in a general sense, and some history.
These kinds of things definitely do raise awareness. The language with the simple rhymes and abundance of extra words is a bit adolescent, and there's not a whole lot wrong with that in this context.
have an encouraging -8-; thanks for expanding my worldview in a specific way (I already knew it sucked in these regards in a general way).
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| Re: To Fly by amielou82 |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/8:31 AM |
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I have to say the simple sentiment is refreshing, and that sentiment is consistent with the language.
Imagine what you could convey with a broader toolset?
show me what the wings look like, show me more of that view; how, exactly, does the earth look through the clouds.
Can you make a play with the wings as clouds (another poem, perhaps)?
that last sentence - you shouldn't have to tell me that, I should read the thing and say it to myself.
Have an -8- with points for encouragement.
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| Re: Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485 |
Shuushin |
16-Nov-03/8:38 AM |
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"A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle" - that, I like alot.
couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled
I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?
having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.
and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.
Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.
if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.
a hopeful -8-
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| Re: Zinnias are a funny flower by Bachus |
INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-03/10:01 AM |
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This is exactly why we like zinnias. they are a hearty flower that can survive winters. And they return to grace us with their beauty every spring. A tree does not hibernate. It improves its root structure during the down season. Just focus on your balcony. All is well in nature.
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| Re: My daddy taught me about being a good sport by horus8 |
INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-03/8:59 AM |
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Yes, Iknow. Accepted. This is the game you do best. This poem, right here. play ball.
Hows the acting going anyway? New leads?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-03/9:40 AM |
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Maybe it's not you. See stanza two. Lesser company? As in lesser people? Or you wining solo.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-03/10:26 AM |
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Like you really need mor accolades here. Kool-aid maybe. No. Calling someone a goob, and getting away with it? THAT'S Kool.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
xxx |
16-Nov-03/10:32 AM |
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This is not up to your usual stuff. It seems a bit forced.
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