Shuushin
on Sunset by NoSage
12 Nov 2003, 7:18 AM
Nice snippet - makes me want more.
An excellent chorus - Where is more?
Sure - works well as a lyric.
Would be fun set to music.
Last line, goddammit - fix the last line.
As for the rest - flows really well, rhyme is unforced - I like.
I read your explanation, and it makes more sense to me now.
Some nice parts in particular "flame-touched air" - though touched is fairly generic. "fire[']s halo" is also a nice image.
I'm not sure about high winter as a comparison (fairly location and temperament dependent), then I'm confused by the "peak of the season" at the end.
I'm sure you could explain it to me - but that's not the point is it? Show me what you mean in the poem.
A nice bit of prose here and well said.
Some of the line breaks seem not to help though, and serve mostly to remind that this really is a collection of paragraphs within a larger story - with a rushed ending.
Very original idea. melikey.
Interesting observation - rings true. Have a Ten.
Great Idea posting against itself! I'm a bit of a traditionalist so I like the first better. I like the second also. It reads a bit like a riddle, therefore, 9
Good Show! 24,5553
Smile, You poor critter. You'll be a long time drowning.
Yes, poemranker often reminds me of the same thing. But with more of a candy assed Willy Wonka theme than a menacing river of chocolate pudding.
Gay.
Vegas, Ahhhhhh. Nothing like the taste of shrimp cocktail and old underwear at 4 in the morning.
Nor should you.
The rantings of an antlered dildo.
Yeah, I hate you too.
Prefer the second, can't seem to get the flow of the first.
Some of the seconds short rhymes really push the poem along.
Something that struck, 'seldom made' vs 'are rare' one conclusion infers some kind of natures plan, the other something more random.
Not bad, not sure about the first verse. Where does the melody come from, where does the melody go when it is transposed.
At first this made sense, then the bit about 3 women to one man confused me, then I thought
the chance of a man holding a position of superiority is 1 in 4 (out of four people one will be a man).
One person holding the given position equates to victory for men everywhere.
Not sure I believe the figures by the way, women outnumber men the most in wartorn countries where the men go out to fight, on the whole.
Anyway an interesting little puzzle at any rate.
My sentiments eggzackly cudos magus