INTRANSIT
on falling in with the wrong crowd. by richa
23 Oct 2003, 6:42 AM
a diamond may cut his windscreen with light. I get the image but is it a diamond or light? I stumble here for some reason. I like it otherwise. Most what you write reaches me, makes me think. Keep it up.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
80FC7D69
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
-good-
Like the line 'sun hangs like salem heretics'
Especially with the church theme, not so much an image I guess as a comment.
'Am I trespassing on God' is a nice comment to explore(perhaps a bit more).
The images though good are rather arbitrary.
Word choice I think should make the reader ask why you included certain details and not others, and should strike deep at the meaning of the poem.
Definitely a poem with merit though.
my contribution was 'a' by the way horus
not sure who came up with dustman.
Using the word soul is too abstract, you can not expect the reader to understand your conception of it.
Beautiful on the surface/but if you swim in me....
the following should be why you are not beautiful, not about caressing islands.
I think carress islands should come before 'but if you swim in me'
It is a rough draft, but I would not comment if I thought it was meritless, I think you have some nice images and although the idea is a bit worn I'm sure you can polish it up a bit.
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Its good but I think a little over-elaborate.
If the reader can appreciate punchy language and still the plot this would be a very good poem.
whimsical with the faeries yes, but quite cute
'A mass grave of ended calm expression'
is my favourite line
cancers are not like a tumour they are a tumour if they are in the brain.
Not much to add to that, very good observation
'And everything grows clear yet wavering.
like when we were long ago for the first time.
Swimming.'
Is an ace metaphor.
Like this, it does seem kind of european, the music, roots/truth, glad you used fever as a portal rather than diving right in with lots of abstracts.
Action packed with even more yawns than the poemranker best list. Super!
The beginning was excellent - great images and word play - but the last stanza just lost the feeling as a whole..
Oh shit!
Ironically, that's what my morning shit said.
Actually, not bad. A touch cliche, but immature cliche not premature cliche. Or is it?
Jim Jones and John Travolta painting the town red.
lotsa vtamin B
And that's exactly what I told the cookie monster too.