ho_hum
on POEM FOR PREPS by Brittanyy
24 Sep 2003, 2:15 AM
Does this mean, oh joy of joys, that you are leaving? I also see that you have deleted "comments on this site part 2", which I take it means you are refusing my challenge to name 10 great minds who have achieved great things at or before the age of 16.
By the way the scintillating rythms of this poem have scored white hot lines across my soul. -10-
heh
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
23 Sep 2003, 11:45 PM
8.8795.
Clever. ;)
You set the mood here really well, but I want more! "Softly" seems like a weird adverb to use with grow, and I think maybe just "flagstone" rather than -stoned--you wouldn't say "marbled" hall, right? Minor quibbles and nits, though--this has your usual sorcery, even in short form.
You KNOW you can do better than this, hate to do this but i gotta - 4
love the hard hail that kills, love hide like the sky (for they can't) its irony and ecstacy in one shot. Last part hits hard 9
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
23 Sep 2003, 4:48 PM
Beautifully done. 10.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
23 Sep 2003, 4:56 PM
You lack nothing, friend...keep them coming.
You rung my bells. Good.
I would come up with a more repugnantly digestive phrase for 'rendered moot'. Also I would delete the 'food for some other living entity' line. Some buffing here and there and I would be proud to call it my baby.
We do grow some good shit here every now and then, though, you have to admit.
Enjoyable to read aloud. Thanks.
I love your poetry, but I was a tad bit shocked to discover that you are a carpet muncher, and here I've been secretely hung up on you, and now me and my mother are just laughing at me, because see you are gay, and I am addicted to under ripe mangos with oedipus complexes so I guess we are even some how in SPACE! ehrr or some where lacking...
Uncharacteristically brief. I would say almost too brief and not as descriptive (or forthright for that matter) as you usually are.
What is the thought behind this one? An appreciation for 'passive action' for lack of a better phrase? Light falling, webs forming, mould growing. The thriving life of the derelict?
Went in grey and came out shiny black. Yum! (you even spelled 'grey'in the Geschäftsreise approved manner!) Lovely.
I would change the title, though, to 'Went Out Shiny Black' or something. The poem is much more about him than you, and the title doesn't show it, I think.
Perhaps you need to write a separate poem about how this made you feel and name that poem 'Alone With Memories'.
I love the last line to an almost unhealthy degree.
Sounds like someone's bitter. Take comfort in the likelihood that you probably don't have chlamydia, unlike them. Not your worst poeme, though. 6
I love the contrast of old and new, and you pick some great details, Caducus. Seems a little jaggedy still and could use some honing, but you've got really a really good core to work with. I really enjoyed it.
3rd part disturbed me deliciously so. 9
Very brief for you but all 3 lines complement each other and say what needed to be said so to an 8 i go.
Easy on the happy pills joe.
Some nice mome's and some not so nice but here is an anti-religion gold star 7