SupremeDreamer
on some deleted poem
22 Aug 2003, 10:44 PM
hrmm, joe, your evolving! by god! its a fuckin miracle.
spell check like horus said, and consider how you might be able to make your imagery clearer, aswell as applying more focus on the topic your writing on.
other than that joe, you got yourself an 8 from me, i hope to see revisions.
Wow...you really ARE the more fucked up one...
This is a remake of Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness..
ok, good, i like the first draft, but we must consider:
GETTING RID OF THE CANDY COATED SUGAR FILLING!!!.. lots of shit here is not needed.
Hear it sing, <--- this was filler..
closer <--- inserted just to sound cool? bad bad bad!!!
This [dark] night {everything} [existing] feels right.
[Allowing it to concurâ¦]
{} means: it might be better to get rid of it.
[] means: TRASH IT!!
man, the way im going, your poem will be a tap dancin midget!!! night is always dark bozo, ive been out of my house during the evenins ya know@!
[Allowing it to concurâ¦] wtf? stop being fancy, if your going to be, atleast do it right!!!
i think you get my overall message.. i hope..
no reason to fight the darkness - how do you propose to do this? i know!!! A FLASHLIGHT!!
oooo i see two lover birds makin out!! quick, lars get the camera will ya??? i want to capture this moment for eternity!!
From Poseidon, Aphrodite appeared,
Eyes aquamarine, and true as the dawn.
From her virgin flesh all wave horses reared,
As an Ocean bowed when she walked upon.
Immaculate goddess of men's delight,
Embrace me as if I was Hephaestus
After fire pounding steel all day and night.
My mouth to yours, my hands to your discus'.
But my loss serves the will of the sky God
Your uncle loves you enough to kill me.
As the storm brings me down I find it's odd
that love between men and gods cannot be.
My love and my life to you I bequeeth
I am yours out at sea just underneath.
The definative cocksucking poem is one I wrote a long while back, entitled "tender cock of morning": http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Feeling okay? Today I auditioned in speedos and when I bent over my hernia popped up my hemhoroid popped over and a baby mouse cried.
Elizabeth Taylor failed miserably.
AN ORIGINAL OBSERVATION! AN ORIGINAL TITLE! The poem however, gave me gas the equivelant of a four day old wet burritto. When you got to the part where the city was in the backdrop, I thought, "wow" he' so poetic. Then I laughed, and went and took a short shit.
How about you shut your fucking mouth..Did I ever use any names? No..I appreciated the votes you gave me and my comment wasnt directed towards you..Sorry but everything isnt about you so dont diss my shit. And as for lack of communication and self pity? Try getting beat up by your Mom every night and then cussed at between beatings..You dont know me or what I feel so go to hell and die..
what was the point of resurrecting this? lol.
SupremeDreamer
on The Angel at the arcade (this is actually an 'acne') by scitz
22 Aug 2003, 11:07 PM
thats one damn good pimple.. crappier than ever.. indeed, its acne.. 10!
Yes.
horus, you bastage, i know its you.
Well, it's an improvement, that's for sure.
One less cock that Rilke here has to suck.
boys only? cmon settle, i know you came out the closet concerning your homosexuality, but some of us still enjoy casual sex with women..
:)
have a 9.