Too long and boring. Cut it down to 10 lines. Oh, and Jeremi told me to tell you to stop using his towel.

SHUT UP

I think we passed along the stair. Terrible poem by the way. Too wide.

I think we passed along the stair. Terrible poem by the way. Too wide.

sounds like a fucking showtune. 0.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO6

Read that brilliant one about how when his Girlfriend Left Him it was like 9.11. READ IT.

Got a bad batch of shrooms huh? Stick with the purple microdot or windowpane...more reliable stuff..know what I mean?

post modern blake... any thing which starts with "why" is bound to be interesting.. 10

Mr. Pig, Really nice work. There is some good work on this site but many times I am left untouched by pieces that are well crafted but without real meaning. This work hit home in a powerful way. I really enjoyed reading it. Joe. P.S As usual, I think Z was right on the mark with her comments. She's a serious and classy lady isn't she?

Now then my boy stop your snivelling and be a man ! ! You've hardly given this a chance ! HAve you no patience? You can't opt to run and hide behind another alter ego that will not help your poetry now will it my boy?? Now get yourself together, dust yourself down and try again, and again, and again ! You will earn the respect through dexterity and perserverance and your mustard is airtight and smooth so lets cut the mustard shall we and go through where your going wrong. You seem like a nice chappie to me and I think you just need to stop this whining and post your poetry. Good Columbus ! We all have to start somewhere laddie, you will only aspire to be what you want to be if you keep plugging away at it. Now go to your room and ponder on this. I will not say goodye because I hate goodbye's there futile. Lets see what your made of come on Joe, you can do it.

wow joe. i parody one of your works and already you run not too long after wards.. what a cheap shit you are. i never knew how PROFOUND your writing was.. but you still like to yap about it alot.. well, bye bye weakling. only the strong survive. heres a nice fat 0

What is more arousing than that?? (Hint: nothing) Wait no, attractive girls, sorry, attractive girls are more arousing than killing things. But that's pretty fucking arousing let me tell you.

Short and to the point with a light punch of romance. I agree some use of metaphor would deliver a much needed nuance. The balance is there and its quite a sweet tale but the lewd title is out of contrast with the quite lovely story. One is miffed about the title and suggest you change it to someting more romantic. Think about how the moon looked that evening and avoid the obvious desription such as bright, did she have a certain look or a sensual smell about her? did she make the down on your arms stand up? Background must be achieved before the paint hits the canvas. Other than that you do have promise and at the end of the day I liked the blighter.7

No I got it. What I don't get however is something that has bothered me for a while. richa, I find it quite a shame that your not getting enough comments and I wish I could help you. I will start to read you more, you're a great writer who I think inspires a lot of poets on this site, also let it be said your a jolly nice fellow too. By the way the poem is truly wonderful. 10

Got a little lost in the mid part but its a riot of languauge and imagery and your poems always seem to be adventurous yet accomplished. One minor thing ; forest has one r. Heres a fat number 8

This is trying to be too many things and loses itself due to inexplicit detail. Lose the brand names and the bracketed part at the end suggests to me even you are not confident that its message is clear. Add some clarity thats all one is saying. Must dash I've dragged dog poo in the hallway and the cat seems to be eating it. James !! (sorry I was meant to shout that)

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good bye... 0

Onyx sky?