horus8
on Bearings by emilyowey
3 Aug 2003, 1:56 PM
What the hell is that going to do? What are you going to take the vapor and make a fucking sandwich? Good grief.
I think you need a different word than disheveled.
I can't paint a picture with it.
'i not ready to hear' are you foreign. And I have met michael douglas and he didn't smell of piss
Nice haiku, like the title
An extra point for including an air bisquit.
very ambitious.
Last five verses are the best, they could stand as a poem in their own right.
Logic impecable.
First verse is good, nice images.
Not sure about 2 and three.
perhaps a little more subtelty
"I not ready to hear what you might tell." It would be nice if you made this sentence legible Dan, add an "am". Also, from the beginning I knew you were the old man straight through. Not to spoil your surprise, of course, just a fact. Perhaps it's the SS check?
I like that the narrator's probes identified this "jar of custard", but his conversion to mustard is something altogether different. Why did the narrator taste him anyway? I think skydive is one word. 10
fourth stanza you start talking to someone but it is not obvious who. It breaks the flow.
I get the feeling you are making this up too, a bit contrived.
Other than that nice language selection and all
Pleasant,
I would say "Section 8 housing" rather than "low income". If the devil can't fool the Housing Authority, who could?
'one must tithe the soul' I'm sure I'd agree if I knew what it meant.
Quite a lot packed in here, quite machiavellian in intent.
Not sure the poem justifies its conclusions fully though.
Not sure why god is masquerading as a prostitute.
I guess the final line is about how politicians are glad they are off the front page, or even glad that the virtues they have to live up to are now less.
Anyway like the language employed, and the aggression/irreverence
This poem is nonsense, good parts but doesn't seem to lead anywhere.
And usually when people talk about masturbation on here, they have run out of ideas and just want to finish the poem with the first thing that comes into their computer geek head
other than that OK
sex on bugs......interesting.
4-7-6
I don't get it. It doesn't follow the rules either.
Certainly