Christof
on She Thinks Of Men Waiting by Christof
4 Sep 2002, 1:04 AM
Good grief. I obviously went home too early yesterday. If I'd hung on a bit I could've joined in with you lot. I was just in the mood too. What a sexed up place this is.
First line: "that tells" makes the sentence incomplete. I understand how you're trying to use but it doesn't work. "That speaks" "articulating" "that tells of". "when tools are put to bed" "I am the wind" at the next line. "I am the song/sung without words" " I am the shoulders of she" "I am the moonlight that washes the sleeping faces of your children / painting them angels/freezing their image/so you are bound to see them, even years later,/perfect and peaceful/unstained with change."To a cool shrouded unconsciousness" "wondering what tomorrow brings...."
The part of your comment that made me laugh was this, actually: "the writing is well done." That part, I find hard to believe. That piece is an unfinished string of images that I spent about a year on, then graduated and never touched again. The melodrama is there simply because I only worked on it when I was feeling massively frustrated.
I like this but is doesn't quite have the tightness of your best stuff - I'm thinking especially the last three lines of the second stanza. The last stanza though is a killer.
I hope you never do that or else we'll miss your lively imagination.I liked and understand it.a proper beginning.(i think to/too much-put it ot/to).wish you success.8
I liked the end.A lover's spontaneity of pain is tempestuosly expressed.9
without -you-I suppose my summer...?
rework on this.repetitions of feelings could be expressed with variety of words and images.
"There's no frigate like a book!".It was rather confused.your use of Words are limited.Your feelings highly poetic yet to get something off your chest,they're good enough.So!6
I think this goes beyond Melancholia - it is a baldly stated death wish! But the phrasing is strong and , as always, your metre is powerful.
It is very interesting, as an Englishman, to read an American view of America. I don't know if a lot of Americans really know how their country is viewed by a large part of the rest of the world, but this poem at least shows real awareness. All great Empires crumble eventually - it happened to Rome, it happened to Britain... The only quibble I have is that I don't think that he with the 'heart of ice', whom I take to be Osama Bin Laden, is either cold-hearted or hungry for power - I think he is extremely hot in his passions and not hungry for power for himself but rather fixated on removing the power of his enemies.
Like the first line, but then it runs into cliche and falls apart. wow, I have gone all day at random w/o hunt and peck. thanks for the fix.
The adoring public aside, I think you allegory yourself right out of the poem. Although the images are of quality and the writing is well done, the poem seems to lack ump! and I am not sure where to pinpoint it. And maybe the point considering the title is to have goofy, melodramatic lines. If that is the case, you succeeded with the likes of "absorbed the essence of life through my skin."
change the last line to >to the warm flesh lonely people.< and keep going! I was really into this and then it just stops. Where's the big finish?
horus-put his pottie in the closet and be done with it.
This reminds me of a Beatles tune, the name of which escapes me at the moment. The format made it a bit hard to read but It does evoke the feeling of drifting softly down beneath the sea. nice! 7/10
*vegas-strangeness-pernacious-wageless-t
ok ok, point taken...the painting was a terrible analogy...the only point i was trying to make is the I AM A TERRIBLE EDITOR...when i write it either comes out the way i want it the first time or it stays the way it is...i have been working on it...most of my other postings are slight alterations of previous poems, i think in one i combined two poems i wrote about the same moment...and to horus, i was taking your previous editing suggestions seriously, just, even in writing, my sarcastic overtones seem overly present, even when i'm not being so.
i hope this is more along the lines of what you were speaking of...i made a couple of my own changes to help...i think
i have no idea what would make me succomb to tears first, one of your poems or the day you write a bad one...4th stanza about the moonlight, splendid show.
*Courageous?