| regarding some deleted poem... |
cat 64.164.171.168 |
2-Aug-04/6:46 PM |
|
|
 |
| Re: May Monday Explanation by MacFrantic |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/1:50 PM |
|
The first 5 lines are good. Could end it right there.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Consolation by Dovina |
patty t 24.156.158.81 |
2-Aug-04/12:14 PM |
|
is he dead, in the ground -- and she has to dig him up?
a poem about euthanasia, or a failed relationship.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Prince of Void 217.218.131.144 |
2-Aug-04/12:00 PM |
|
this's nice poem ..will be
|
|
|
|
| Re: I miss you still by beck2457 |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/12:46 PM |
|
I-miss-you poems are very common. They can be good if free from the usual cliches and having something more than the usual that this has.
|
|
|
|
| Re: A FIRST POEM FOR MY GRANDCHILd by massangel62 |
cat 64.164.169.80 |
2-Aug-04/7:00 PM |
|
Very sweet, nice for family, but it's slightly cheesy and obvious, but poems are for lots of things and I think it does well what it's suppose to be doing, but as a poem, well...
|
|
|
|
| Re: Mushroom Potion #9 by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
edpeterson 68.20.6.40 |
2-Aug-04/11:10 AM |
|
a modern skillet, dripping with fried pimples
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
edpeterson 68.20.6.40 |
2-Aug-04/11:18 AM |
|
an oversized T-shirt, beneath which is runny nudity
|
|
|
|
| Re: Mushroom Potion #9 by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/11:19 AM |
|
Sounds like you believe in darn near everything. I like the cadance, except for the last verse, which I wonder why you include.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/11:28 AM |
|
I bet it sounds great read aloud. The spacing helps to give it voice.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Prince of Void 217.218.131.144 |
2-Aug-04/11:55 AM |
|
this is good ..i think u can do better then that ...
you are talented ...
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/11:59 AM |
|
Good thought about Mona and Leo. she really does look stifled. Nice
|
|
|
|
| Re: A FIRST POEM FOR MY GRANDCHILd by massangel62 |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/11:43 AM |
|
A nice sentiment and appreciated I am sure by the ones it is for, but a bit too simplistic for posting here. You will probably not appreciate the response.
|
|
|
|
| Re: two by unknown^user |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
2-Aug-04/11:38 AM |
|
A nicely crafted picture.
Line breaks at the changes of scene seem appropriate.
No period after "But if he is still the man."
The title is not exactly a butler inviting me into the parlor.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Mushroom Potion #9 by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
unknown^user 209.234.180.162 |
2-Aug-04/12:25 PM |
|
One of the better synopses of a mushroom trip that I've seen. Agreed about the last stanza though. Maybe a little too conversational to blend with the rest of the work. You do have some good imagery there, and it would be a shame to waste it, so maybe just try and incorporate it with the rhythm of previous stanzas.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
unknown^user 209.234.180.162 |
2-Aug-04/12:32 PM |
|
I like the subject (what would Mona Lisa think about her centuries of fame and the insane crowds that flock to see her in Paris). It seems very lyrical to me, and I can't help feeling that this distracts the reader from the subject and makes it a little too light-hearted for its own good.
Love that last line though.
|
|
|
|
| Re: As the people become more hollow by Prince of Void |
unknown^user 68.107.136.25 |
2-Aug-04/4:44 PM |
|
The poem makes you (the writer) come off as arrogant. I like the image of the tiny ray keeping away the darkness, but "Led me find myself" doesn't really work grammatically and sounds awkward when spoken. You may want to either change it to "Led me to find myself" or "Let me find myself." It just depends on what you want to project.
|
|
|
|
| Re: May Monday Explanation by MacFrantic |
unknown^user 68.107.136.25 |
2-Aug-04/4:49 PM |
|
Love it! Especially the use of sequential numbers as an introduction.
Concise, abrupt and blount, but I still have that clear image of a tired commuter waiting for a train. What is the commute good for if not to let us dwell on our own depression?
Only small critique is that "But in of itself" is a little confusing. Still though, great.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Mushroom Potion #9 by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.48 |
2-Aug-04/8:08 AM |
|
A modern kind of "I sing the Body Electric." I like it.
|
|
|
|
| Re: two by unknown^user |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.48 |
2-Aug-04/8:11 AM |
|
Wow. Best phrase-"propheteering ministers."
|
|
|
|
