zodiac
replying on The Rockets’ Song by Dovina
16 Dec 2004, 6:05 AM
I imagine you suggesting if someone DOESN'T have greater worth, he DOES have need to assert it. Which is probably the principle behind every poemranker post.
re: your other comments.
1) It could if time was somehow telescoped, which is what the proem proposes, anyway. No, I don't know how that would happen. Some kind of device that shoots figs at near-lightspeed in a direction roughly opposite the bus's motion, maybe. Diagrams to follow.
Also, I'll change the title, which I don't like much.
2) Sure, why not? I find there's missing punctuation all over the place.
3) I don't understand. Or at any rate, I respectfully disagree, especially about the logically sound part.
4) Not uncynically, they don't. But point taken.
5) The narrator didn't see the descent; he just guesses.
Anyway, there are many ways the impact could have been slow enough to only make a man fly while leaving everybody else unharmed. Considering that this is based on a real event (in Jordan, not the U.S., and I was the flying man), you'll just have to take my word for it.
6) The impression's not the narrator's, it's his idea of the opinion of someone who believes in that stuff (i.e., the flying man), so I don't think he (the narrator) is required much to explain.
Also - six lengths of someone's body was too long for a bus, unless the guy was, like, four feet tall or something.
This is the longest comment I've ever posted on one of my own poems. I'm mildly ashamed.
All my poems are for you. And about you.
The best part is "but something at trouser level
seemed to make him joyful." -10-
Blue Magpie
on Afterwards, when there's just you and the snow and the trees by somemorepoetry
16 Dec 2004, 12:19 AM
Well I have read it a few more times and I still like it. So here a e few comments. There is an 'r' missing of their in "Thie energy for the Spring
" this stanza is the one I get least from incidentally. Possibly a hypen between cold and hard in "the cold, hard ground". Maybe a comma after dropped, in "where you dropped boots and all," then just after that commas after home, and soil.
I think it needs a little more work before it can be called truly poetic.
I was once told it was all to do with Dairy farmers, who work 365, although I never really made sense of the reasoning and I agree with Dovina, we would be better off leaving it as it is. Of course to confuse things they also do it in Greece, where there are no real northen climes, or at least not ones that aren't south of the southern climes of the UK and no English style dairy farms.
I didn't actually mean to delete the comment about communication from Richa, but to reply to it.
Yes the poet does have a responsibility to communicate, but that does not mean dumbing everything down to the lowest level, sometimes you have to accept that some readers will not be able to see yet because seeing in this case is dependant on what is already in the reader's mind.
Blue Magpie
on Afterwards, when there's just you and the snow and the trees by somemorepoetry
15 Dec 2004, 10:45 PM
I actually found this quite interesting and poetic although I have to wonder just exactly where it is supposed to be. I will read it again.
This is ok.
So you like Peter Pan. That's cool because not alot of people I know like him. So that's great.
Thank you. I'm glad you see it that way.
They'd say I'm pathetic and should find moral friends and get over it and besides, I'm a dimtard to even name what he and I did sex.
Call it respect, but I think it was the jitters with a tinge of disgust.
I told you plenty!
It rhymes, huh?
If you lose the last line, it does paint a picture.
My roomate's ex girlfriend tried to come on to me during a ski trip in West Virginia. She slept in my hotel room on the other bed.
My cell phone has more recent outgoing calls than incoming. My buddy list is filled with people I do not know.
You are a good girl and should submit this poem to Junior Scholastic Magazine.