unknown^user
on Missing Grand Miss. by timtonio
6 Aug 2004, 12:04 PM
Something about this just reminds of a Doobie Brothers' song (I think it's obvious which one).
I love the subject and the language, but the 3rd staza seems out of place amongst those same elements.
Ah, to be young again, or old again, still lying on the beach. Not bad.
The second verse seems to have everyone vexed. Rewrite in progress.
1) “simplest” yes, thanks.
3) Could change to “none of it sounds true,”
4) The fear is mine, not his, and I should make that clear. Thanks.
I hate the ending when a solid piece of intuition or emotional understanding so sputters my words that he turns away. But I do need to say it more understandably. Thanks.
Is this a rewrite? It is evocative (because I can never spell reminiscent without a spell checker) of a poem I thought I remember seeing posted here before this. However, I enjoyed this one more than the last. It has an "uplift" at the end.
I don't like *trippy* and the first two lines of the last stanza go pimply try to change the why/fly.
The rest, unlike me, is ace.
Something about this is...
The inimate moment is lost not only the expression? If that is the meaning then the 2nd verse could use a bit o' rewrite. At this public moment -8-
Imagine how bad it would have been
Without the Vicodin!
Ummm... No... There is a definite rythm to this poem.
(There's a couple of errors ;), but definitely rythm :P)
1) 'simplest'
2) mimic and parrot mean the same thing
3) Not sure the second verse follows on so well from 'non of it true'
4) If someone changes expression it is immediately lost, that is a truism not a fear.
'not wanting to linger/he stuck in his finger' sounds better.
Yes. However this poem did receive a 10 from that frightfully loose legged angel god'swife which I believe is a first for any of my poems.
I hated the ending, it would do better to rhyme.
Get a lawyer, and sue...
barbie and ken parted ways. now Blaine's the man. its terrible.
agreed
reminded me of Loretta Lynn