x0lovelylarnx0
replying on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0
23 Jul 2004, 11:55 AM
Thanks!
As you slip Between the lines - good line.
What the hell are you talking about!? You can't pee in the snow!
All you wind up doing is dragging it around in incomprehensible circles! goof.
To steal from U-2: " Throw a stone and hit someone guilty"
Mmmmm, two anonymous 10's from your IP address, well here is a very real 10 from me! with great work like this you don't need to cheat on the scoring ;¬) this is really mature :>/ and although some of the lines resemble the signatures on the toilet bowl of an indian restaurant:ï¡* this really does offer a very real insight into the workings of the modern world. Bravo. :¬}
This is a parody just begging to dance on your face.
you're high, weaponry... lol, you should see me PEE IN the snow.
Gnarly
Good images. The meter hold true throughout until the end. I guess if you're going to break rhythm that's the place to do it. But, somehow, the loss of those two beats at the end of the last line is disconcerting.
Just luck, as I'm sure you know.
he's back...the black man's back...i'm a cock am i...that's nice to know since you dark angel are a fanny of the first order so we go together like sausage and bacon...a dripping, wibbling fanny...so all i have to say on this matter...and i'm not being ironic here but you are right..i find myself having to explain my attempts at irony every time...but well, the yanks among you just don't get it...i mean this is the nation that thought shouting "NORM" was even remotely funny...ah fuck it i've lost the run of myself altogether
NORM!
And stanza 7 is wacko too. I would vote for richa, personally. thank you though. P'ranker helps keep me up to date somewhat while I play catch up on the road. Neruda is groovy. Just picked up some Kerouac and some Baudelaire. We'll see where it goes.
Very nice one.
Fine poem. I would have to say your writing is possibly the most improved on this site. If there was a prize for that, I would definitely nominate you. That said;
You change tense in the second stanza- 'I could bleed...' 'as I fought...' It's either 'I bled...' or 'as I fight...'.
I can't understand how your using 'weaponry' are you saying the pen's weaponry(where weaponry is used as an adj.) or are you saying the pen IS weaponry(where weaponry is used as a noun)? I don't think that word is working for you. 'Because I know it's (violence, murder, tendency, thirst etc...)'
Shouldn't it be 'MY reluctance' in the first stanza?
Otherwise I think it's perfect. A nice economy of words.
If there's ever a place....this be it.
I haven't read Carl Sandburg's poem and should before commenting, but I had to laugh at the wrecking ball because it's what I think I need around here half the time and then say, no it's the other half I stay for.