some deleted user
on Mask by sk8boardandpoems
23 Jul 2004, 8:34 PM
the rhyming definitely distracts the reader from whatever this poem is trying to convey.
it's free verse, so free it up and let the words out.
Good thought, but too cliche. Could use some banter between baby and adult.
Now this is good, provocative. I like Dan, whom I didn't, but do, in spite of his shoe.
Poorly articulated. E.g. rain is not particularly noted for starring blankly. And were you really smeared over some windows? I suspect you meant:
We stared blankly,
As rain smeared over windows,
Each drop a sentence running away with our words.
I think the idea of filing something away would make a good smutty inuendo. Apart fromt that, tedious.
Dear Dovina:
Unfortunately, due to those things that have occurred in my life (too much to talk with you about at this time) I have been forced to walk through "the valley of shadow of death" waist deep far too many times!
Anyway, it's not that I have anything against the eating of food...... it's just that, for whatever reason, it seems to always end up turning to shit!
Love, Doug
I'm referring to your recent responses to comments.
Try "fight" in line 9
that bitch stole my wig.........
Some good lines here and a good thought. I'd cull a few words - "though" in line 5, "over" in verse 4,
speech
it made me wince- i felt like it was written by an angry 13 year old with raging Jr.high hormones
I thought You wanted to rise above this sort of wallow. And going back this far to take another dip. Disgusting.
Dear gorbichoff:
THANKS!
Doug
Dear Robert K Foster:
Good point!
Doug
Dear cleverdevice:
Can you spell VOMIT?
Love,
Doug
Dear bondjedi:
Thank you......sweetheart!
Doug
Dear poetandknowit:
To remind you to take a good healthy shit.
Doug
Nicholas:
Your quite welcome.
Doug
TAMARAG67:
An absolutely wonderful comment to a "not so wonderful" poem!
Doug
i'm sorry i have to go take a crap, now