?-Dave_Mysterious-?
on The circle of life by sanity
10 Jul 2004, 5:58 AM
What about when the sun explodes?
This AA BB CC is *very* tough to pull off.
Same for the night club act ending.
I think this would work better if you reworked it into a limerick.
yep. That's sad.
Two suggestions and it will increase the impact:
- shorten it by leagues
- use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them
Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.
Shuushin
on Sugared petrol isn't sweet if your ass is black & blue. by Y2kSlamPoet
10 Jul 2004, 5:39 AM
Its a good story, kept me reading even if I had a shameful egoist moment of "prose on a poetry site... grrrr".
But its a sweet one. btw, the fix for sugar in the gas tank is a simple one. Involves simply replacing the fuel system.
that last paragraph, in particular, would make a good poem; it has the crux of the thing - that this tough man would become tender at the though of dissapointing his dad.
An excellent example of the zero syllable limerick.
this expression, "to plant one's fancy" - is this a euphamism for something...?
this phrase "passion to dance like butterfly on " sounds very "English as a second language" - intention?
This would make 5 or 6 very nice poems (if taken with something lighter in between sittings), but as it is - its a bit tedious, imho. Maybe too effective at evoking defeat.
couple few interesting words in there.
Brainsky
Monitory
would make a nice ditty I think[sky].
the liooon kiiing
yes good deep poem!
nice pome!
just be yourself allthe time!
sure
ohhhhhhhhhh
lackadaisical. im so glad you had a chance to use that
fuck no
the wrong is a bad place to be
deep thoughts, very emotional, -10-
good work, keep it up