some deleted user
on There's Always Sunday by Shardik
10 Jul 2004, 12:04 PM
INSIPID horus8...this is your mother speaking...I have taken over the flabby body of tchee...
You had some rhyme scheme..untill the last part.
..no.
Oh oops, no I did not mean "Splinter" off the Turtles, It was an editing mistake I must of overlooked.
And when you say the Turtles, I automaticly think of the group "The Turtles" and thought you meant that they made a song by that. Heh.. Anyway..its Teenage mutant ninja turtles..turtles in a half shell, turtle power! (whooo..go old cartoons..)
And mine. The conversation was insincere stabbing, getting even. Let's call this jab-voting and senseless slamming OFF.
Yeah, thanks, these are good suggestions on a kind of free-style, I haven't tried before. A kind of letting the thing out with the feeling of the moment, which of course is unprofessional.
oh, sorry!
Indeed, *bows*
Do I get a vote, or just a conversation?
quite a handy skill, that.
Gwae fi fy myw mewn oes mor ddreng
A Duw ar drai ar orwel pell;
O'i ôl mae dyn, yn deyrn a gwreng,
Yn codi ei awdurdod hell.
Pan deimlodd fyned ymaith Dduw
Cyfododd gledd i ladd ei frawd;
Mae swn yr ymladd ar ein clyw,
A'i gysgod ar fythynnod tlawd.
Mae'r hen delynau genid gynt
Ynghrog ar gangau'r helyg draw,
A gwaed y bechgyn lond y gwynt,
A'u gwaed yn gymysg efo'r glaw.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
You deleted all my comments. Unprofessional.
try: "(I usually spend the night there)"
"but strong to pull up her" is awkward, D. Is the lawn powerful enought to earn a capital?
"if she leaves it unsecured" can go.
Interesting stacato cadence - intentional?
or like when it expands in size to include our orbit??
huh, what then???
Cute idea. Let me try an invisible comment:
what's the Welsh look like?
?-Dave_Mysterious-?
replying on Brando's Dead (slight reprise) by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
10 Jul 2004, 6:05 AM
You smell.
Once I got past your name I could almost read the poem objectively.
"a picture" can go, along with the hips allusion. The ending seems a little too abrupt - or trite.
Interested to see the rewrite.
The rhymes kill this thing, Quarton, and its such a universal thought that's been captured in quotes and one-liners that to describe it this way - even though you've got some good word choices - is an uphill battle. More like a brick-wall battle.