ShaNoN+960317485
replying on Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485
16 Nov 2003, 9:09 AM
well you better not ask to hold hands:o)
don't I know it - we walk the edge of this blade together.
Yes, Iknow. Accepted. This is the game you do best. This poem, right here. play ball.
Hows the acting going anyway? New leads?
Well Shuushin, the evil twist i tried to bring slowly but didnt want the piece to be 2 long and boring. But thanx fr your pointers ill rem it and try 2 tackle it a little slow at start & make it a little neat fr most readers..
Critics are the maker n breakers and they are seldom wrong and never right:o)
"A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle" - that, I like alot.
couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled
I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?
having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.
and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.
Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.
if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.
a hopeful -8-
I have to say the simple sentiment is refreshing, and that sentiment is consistent with the language.
Imagine what you could convey with a broader toolset?
show me what the wings look like, show me more of that view; how, exactly, does the earth look through the clouds.
Can you make a play with the wings as clouds (another poem, perhaps)?
that last sentence - you shouldn't have to tell me that, I should read the thing and say it to myself.
Have an -8- with points for encouragement.
Well. This made me look up what a "Koori", what it means in a general sense, and some history.
These kinds of things definitely do raise awareness. The language with the simple rhymes and abundance of extra words is a bit adolescent, and there's not a whole lot wrong with that in this context.
have an encouraging -8-; thanks for expanding my worldview in a specific way (I already knew it sucked in these regards in a general way).
kindof a enviro-political pimple.
Reach a bit for those expressions, seek specificity like the good ones in that third line ("wind" could be better served though).
-7-
as an aside - most people worry more about the second and third world folks than we who are hindered by bureacracy.
I think with some line breaks, and a little more fleshing out of this balcony character this could be more interesting.
A peppering of well put sentiments would be well served by some structure.
-8- ? wish there was a 7.5
hey - that's actually a good sentiment, and well said.
-8-
tickles?
-4-
a pretty good, if done, image.
This kindof thing comes pretty easy to most people, even non-poets
-5-
ill do just that mate ( Later on dont say i took ya pants:o)
Not too bad, I think the "then" in stanza three wants to be a "than"
-7-
LoL - actually, this is wicked funny.
A potential classic.
-9-
:o/
Remind me not to read stories to little sis - it beats the crap out of me:o)
Amen..Or was it A man:o)
Frankly young crows 2 are found in this land:o(