Shuushin
on Nocturnal Emissions by EAger to Offend
3 Nov 2003, 6:25 PM
i think loose "-the city" and put a suitable modifier on "compost" (like "urban" or sumfin').
other than that, and the contradiction between being eager to offend and pursuing a hindu or buddhist way - not to shabby.
Massive points for the flowing "home-made mandala
Wallpaper"
Very nice - Dennis Leary would be proud, you HWMF.
Kill Bill roxors.
This would be ok if you made things clearer. for example, 'diamonds dangling...' what's that symbolize? Also the last two lines, what does that mean?
That longest second stanza is interesting but needs reworking, the rest should be thrown-out. Stick to the middle bit.
you get a ten for the Corey Feldman alone.
"and now, a cunt solo." Maybe we should start renaming the current instruments.
Bachus
replying on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
3 Nov 2003, 2:21 PM
I meant combilement, of course.
Bachus
replying on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
3 Nov 2003, 2:20 PM
A finely blended vintage compilement of wit.
LoL, Bachus (baba/jeremi/horus/shardik) - not too bad!
I get a kick out of the Mon- /-day line
why not just end it with "[something something ...sun"? then you can stretch the charlie horse line with something (you can do it).
On second thought - keep it, it adds something. Extra points for formed verse.
I specifically chose the name justjay cuz it's just the way i am. i don't need some "more assertive" way of saying who i am. I can say my whole personality and whole life in just the words just jay. that's all i am. . .
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
3 Nov 2003, 11:41 AM
Late at night when the Kindly Folk Of The Towne are fast asleep. That is your time. Your quiet time. Skulking through the shadows in a black cape, you forage for night-chives in the park. But what's that bleating? It is your bleating. You have unearthed a fresh harvest of berries beneath a shrub. Tonight will be a night for feasting; you shan't need to feed again for several days.
* * *
Morning beckons, and the Towne is no place for a breedling. Cradling your prize in wicker hands, you must return to the roost. The sky reddens and Kindly Folk begin to stir. But they don't ask questions. There is little trace of your activities: a few berry stains lining the gutter; and the pavings have been littered with fresh dung from the night before.
mmm
poetandknowit
replying on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
3 Nov 2003, 8:57 AM
You, sir, are an abomination of the human spirit. Every since we broke up last spring you have sought to distort my good name among our collective social group and hurt my feelings at any expense. I am sorry things did not work out, but you must move on, dear.
Shut up Nicholas Jones. That isn't your lifelong dream. Your lifelong dream is (a) to make every single person in the world apologise to the Welsh for God knows what, and (b) to make every single person in the world live in a terraced house.
My lifelong dream is World Peace.
For my part, my "depth" consists mostly of walking around thinking I lost my wallet, or my keys. I must have come from a different tribe than you've described here.
Always a danger making these types of generalizations, but as a poem, it has some interesting perspectives and some cute rhymes - even if occasionally slightly forced ones.
As a suggestion, I think you could save this if you came over the top with it; make it a bit tongue-in-cheek. I know it's been done - maybe you can do it better.
Shuushin
replying on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
3 Nov 2003, 8:00 AM
Nice additions; helps.
"myriad" - danger, danger; tough word to pull off.
This is quite good:
"I remember the scent[s] of sin,
That lingered on my clothes and skin."
I could do without this telegraphing of meaning:
"Every late night drink of scotch alone in the dark,
To help me forget my cheating heart."
or this:
"With no-one to hold,
The fibres that held together my life,
Have been unthreaded."
but the image of squeezing a rose, thorns and all, is nice.
Other than those nits - something very workable. Maybe as a lyric using that second stanza [tweaked a bit] as a chorus?
I've come to recognize your stuff as one I should click on and expect goodness.
This one has a fresh thought to it, and as a lyric works really quite well, I think.
If you want to tweak it more, you could thin it out here and there so that stuff like this:
"i just dont want to be
old polaroids in a small shoe box
as sepia seeps
and yellows my face.
so tell me, do you see me"
which rocks, isn't diluted by less memorable sentiments.
I'm in Denton, Texas. I've been to a conference and given a paper on postcolonialism in Welsh literature. Tomorrow I'm giving a lecture on twentieth century Welsh poetry at the University of North Texas. America is great, although I keep looking the wrong way for cars and nearly getting run over.
Today I hope to see the schoolbook depository and the grassy knoll, and so fulfil my dreams.
Johnnie Baptiste
on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
3 Nov 2003, 6:06 AM
OMG THIS IS BORING LOL ASL -10-