JoyLuck
replying on My Last Plea by Inconceivable_Dreams
31 Jul 2003, 1:37 AM
I'm sure there is something interesting you are saying here, but when i read it my mind just gets stuff on this repititious rhyming and i start to lose track of what you're trying to say. Instead of sentences i start to think "say everday smile pile sorrow tomorrow light fight remains insane plea flee alon tone."
i agree.
well done. 8.
all the rhyming takes away from your poem
the repetition.. is a bit redundant. 6
hrmm.. amusing read. 7.
im happy you enjoyed it. ;)
this affinity for spiders is irksome... I like it.. 9
I have a greater affinity for pencil sharpener shavings... but this certainly was enjoyable.. 8
Always a joy to read your work
HAH! 10!
NICE
Can you look for the drained corpse of that lil bee, museheart, in that web of yours? I cannot find her anywhere.
lol
lol
lol
lol
lol
lol
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that is what i did to the spider after one minute
i don't bother looking at 8 legged pieces of crap for than one minute. you know why? i'm ADD.
you're going to track his ass down over this stupid online POEMRANKER right? just give it up and continue to write. maybe you can write one called, "i stared at horus8's website for one hour and watch his video of the teacher and a swingset." then you'll have something interesting to write about. i gave your poem a ~
what the hell horus, stop reading my goddamned mind will you? yes, actually, i was accused of plagiarizing.. accusation was given to Memoirs of a monk - St. Screamer on another website that i posted it on, which pissed me off. some fuck wit claimed i stole verses from some guy named stclair.. or whatever, and that i stole my name from a welsh writer.. which pissed me off since my name was chosen differently all together.
the url for this is here:
http://pub8.ezboard.com/fthecriticalpoet
You've got some serious problems. You gotta be some little punk kid, because your mentality shows so very well. I wonder how the hell they put up with you here. Why not reply with your email address? Or maybe a name?
I'd track your ass down and you know it sissy boy. Oh well soon you will be back in school anyway, then you mama will tuck you in bed. THOM
Ha! Cheers.
but, the familiar phrases in the middlw of the poem--they spoil it for me. fresh language from you, daniella! these stick:
from [perhaps] whence we came.
To pitch, roll and yaw.
they close the books on this
questions won't go away
blown off course
this one, you twist, to make your own:
I'm afraid practice is making perfect pretences.
but the others, no, they are too familiar and deaden it for me. sorry.
There's a backstory to it so you'd have to read the comments. And I'm aware of what a haiku is my friend and have written hundreds, thanks.
Also, why post a poem if you cannot respond sensibly to a critique. I raised some striking issues to you about where your poetry is going bad, and you respond like a child. I offer structural suggestions and basically, give you your solution on a silver platter, and a formula to work with to improve your poetry since we share mutual friends, and you insult me and disrespect me, over your half assed heinous mutilation of arachnids? You're a fool. There are people that would pay good money to have me give them a creative boost and share some of my techniques. You should listen to better poets when they share advice, it's the only way to learn, not act like a oversensitive spoiled degenerate, for future reference. The poets life is no place for the sensitive & or the spoiled charity case, my friend, remember that if fucking anything I've said. You can burn that one to your pink little brain old man.
alright, I like the first stanza, but after that it gets kind of confusing and abstract, I'm not sure what you're trying to say-- the trick about haiku is to be both concise and accurate. Good start though.