Bachus
on Feasting Ouroboros by <~>
23 Jul 2003, 3:44 PM
I never have went anywhere, for myself. And soon, since I've been getting offers to be the next Michael Hutchinson, I believe it'll get worse than better.
But for the poem and the moment I will sell it all.
And wake up dead in a hotel.
Help me imagine that. Can you clarify? I like auditions, they keep me wary of just how low it all goes, but occasionally it pays off.
This piece is very cool. I love it when poets stick it to each other! The weak hand masturbation makes the poem, but it's the chewbacca ending that gets me ... maybe your next piece should be about chewy masturbating with his furry weak and/or strong hand while solo translates his pleasure moans.
Oh, good luck with the Avon.
"money, airbag, scrapbook" okay! I likey. Not sure of the "sick/sorry/sad"...seems like the slashes break it weirdly. 9
Thai Joes has one I've heard on Monday nights; also that newish place called Mecca, and of course the Y-Not II on E. Lyon.
Hilarious.
I hope you made a sandwich when you were done.
what do you get
when you cross an owl
with a bungee cord?
MY ASS
- great poem bongshang
well fuck that
i quit!
lol
jk
it's called a twist
he caught his love cheating on him
or he's just a crazy stalker of nicole simpson
usually I have a story in mind keeping it invisible and building up images around it.
This one is about a girl who had left home. With little preparation she set out for the highlands. She was found dead with a note asking for food if anyone found her.
The relevant dates bit refers to how following her death the inquest attempted to fill in the details of what little we know of her
You set my heart on an ending that would compliment the beginning and that I didn't get. Being mislead or supprised by verse doesn't do anything for me. Had I not set my mind to how I wanted it ended I'm sure it would have been great. Not knocking your work by any means it was still good.
Keep on writing, as a fellow poet I can speak for us all saying we like seeing others ideals to widen our own.
Interesting.
t'aint necessarily so:
"A poem should be palpable and mute
as a globed fruit,
dumb
as old medallions to the thumb . . . "
Ars Poetica, by Archibald MacLeish, here: http://transcriptions.english.ucsb.edu/a
Wow, Intransit! Lots to like here! Love the dirty feet that tell tales of wandering; the fields of sage (connotations of purification) and the hills described as hips--love the yearning and the pained refusal to fall. Why "in triplicate?" Maybe "on my own" instead of "with my own?" Also, modifiers tend to dilute images--consider dropping "gently," "whispered," "ever blueing" (this last I'd replace with something stronger--heck, even plain old "blue" skies would work better here, I think. YMMV. ;) Terrific work.
Some really nice lines and the overall idea is poignant and handled pretty well. I'm not sure who you're talking to in the first stanza--the daughter, I assume? yourself?--or how it ties into the rest--releasing words and "releasing" a child? Needs a clearer connection. I think your ending would be stronger if you lopped off the last line and ended on 'world'. Minor stuff--use what you can. Well done!