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on broken nail by blackball
27 Dec 2002, 11:52 PM
what does the primal clawing have to do with the street lamp's light? can you please make a nice neat package out of this one?
Sure thing maestro.
Than please don't waste my time by commenting on something above you...Maybe take another class and let a professor tell you how to think.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
And unless you are dealing with Magna or Huffy (which I cannot vouch for) or other cheap versions, bikes are not made on an assembly line.
How exactly does it reflect a bias and a bias of what? I was suggesting a fine book that deals with the meat industry in ways that are quite original and thought provoking. As far as the other, maybe you have not read Pete Singer, which is odd if you are a proponent of this sort of thinking. Hmmm. That would explain that. It is not in TN, it is in MI and it is quite an interesting place if you ever get a chance to visit. Look, the poem may appeal to a certain sect of the population, which can use it for their propaganda, but as poetry it is sap. Do you think I was serious about the mantra bit? It was a humorous allegory. Geez. I gave you a zero because I have heard all of this said exactly this way. I want to read something thought provoking or genuinely emotional. Resorting to general themes of this issue just are not going to do it.
Cut - i was left standing, by myself. Start with holding hands with air. that communicates that you are alone. The fact that you are reaching (by holding hands) with air creates an image that the narrator was left. So this works. Change stared to staring. Take the reader there with you, make it active. I get confused after that. What are you saying. You mention one moment. They day (or night) of the leaving, then you mention days. What is going on there? What do you want to say?
How thoughtful of you to read and comment on my poem.
The fact that you gave it a zero clearly demonstrates
the extent of your biased bullshit. Critique my poems
as often as you wish and make comments, good or bad.
But save the zero for yourself.
I must admit to a chuckle when I read about TN and the
"United Sportsmen of America." Regarding the generic
mantra, it goes both ways...."I feel like"..."originality",
"sap", "tackles the subject", the infamous "step away"
etc...ad nauseum
That comes through. I think what horus was aiming at was a reduction in language. You can do this by making the passive phrasing active. I stand correct on the anything. I did not see the double use of noticing. You have something here; it just needs a bit of tinkering.
I feel battered and bruised. My left lip is swollen from your harness. Do you have a boner? "gunna" is the obvious mispelling of "going to..." which means whatever you yourself as a qualified reader understand it to mean. An inability to bend words is an inability for morphology. If you need to know what that word means, reply back, and I'll allow you to know.
Make it active rather than passive for staters. "nothing" to anything.
I watched my aunt's apartment complex burn to the ground at Christmastime when I was six. My step-grandfather knocked a candle into a trashcan in the bathroom. That is what started the whole shebang. Some say he did it on purpose. He was an outsider in the family. I think it went on behind backs for years. But he is dead now. I remember sitting on the swings at the little playground there watching the whirl of the fire truck lights and the flames wild twist and turns and families running all over the place and my family and my aunt all crying and hugging each other and praising the lord, which I thought was odd considering the situation, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Unlike this poem.
Your images are wonderful. Just wonderful. The first stanza..wow. Let me think on this one a bit, read it a few more times and send along some thoughts.
I read this last, you make reading these easy and enjoyable. There are some small things that might do better if they were changed, But the telling, the telling is almost flawless. I like your poems.
I found our loliopop's disorder..Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.