INTRANSIT
on "Why would I need to get in touch with you?" by Limness
18 Nov 2002, 2:46 PM
The change is an improvement. I would drop one "nothing". Or, last line : Did not blink. I dunno, scribble it on paper first.
hey your poem has a really good sceme, but it was supposed to be happy and i got sad, but i really liked the way things rolled
better? it's so fucking close to home i can't see it, so i appreciate the help.
Hmmm...interesting viewpoint. I was actually agreeeing with you. When I wrote something that "smacks of judgment" I was opening myself up to be judged. You are entertaining to listen to though. I appreciate the feedback.
Too anorexic. I think 'The weight of those words" would add some much needed direction. Also try title in qoutes. What do you think?
Not bad. Antiquiated, but it the rythmn doesn;t detract from the sense of it. Or in ohter words you managed it without having to revert to silly sentences.
almost contemporary.
Typos a plenty. Not to mention searing waves??? I believe you lifted this from some silent movie.
delightful. 8.
I like it !
hey, what's good for the goose is not good for the gander anyway.
what about bugs? you could write about forensic entymology--you know, what happens to our bodies after we die, or at least after we are immobile and exposed to insects--whichever comes first. that's fucking depressing enough for anyone.
see: http://folk.uio.no/mostarke/forens_ent/a
Look everyone! It's Rod McKuen meets Ansel Adams. I bet your parents bought you lessons in eloquetion(sp?). You always refused to take of the toga and laurel wreath at the end of class.
As your husband wrote in the greatest of all books...Judge not lest ye be judged.
Your hemmorrhaging all over the place. Nurse, this poet needs more suction. I can't see what the bloody hell he's talking about.
I could, but I don't think I'm shiny and happy enough to truly describe the peacefulness of a tree or fishing. I'm not dark enough to describe the brutalness of murder... I'm just f**ked up enough to be depressing :o)
i think you meant 'pillar' of salt, but it sounds like you cried over her until you had a pillow of salt, which is strangely satisfying to the unrequited side of me.
fix your last line, okay?
you ask too many questions.
and no clews are forthcoming. bah.
damn. i am fresh out of tissues too. oh well. the crocodiles can have em.
maybe change the first line to '25 going on dead'?
couldn't you write about trees or fishing or murder or something?