on Cool In The Army by wilco
20 Jun 2004, 8:29 PM
Funny, funny
on some deleted poem
22 Jun 2004, 10:00 PM
If you leave out the first verse - a cattish fantasy. With the first verse, I'm tossed from pervert to cannibal to tiger.
on Best Boy by MacFrantic
22 Jun 2004, 10:04 PM
First verse is great. Might consider ending with it. I can definitely relate to this.
on some deleted poem
22 Jun 2004, 12:24 PM
I am with you and into the mood and the setting through s2, very nice. S3 is about mothers - the baby's, yours. It's a good connection, but a bit cumbersomely worded. S4 is haunting and lets a reader draw from her own past. Good.
on some deleted poem
22 Jun 2004, 8:02 AM
I call it a good expression of a somber thought with enough meter to be sung - hence a lyric.
on Drunk and Fucked Up by wilco
22 Jun 2004, 8:08 AM
This sounds and feels singable and sad. I can hear it late in a smoky Tennessee bar, a guitar man strumming, and me thinking of all the bad times. Hit me with another chorus Wil.
on some deleted poem
22 Jun 2004, 10:28 AM
A good haunting feeling with a few good lines, like "Itâs the kind of thing that hides inside
Because itâs scared that . . ." But a bit awkward and wordy in places. I'd made "Identically" identical, and scratch "In hopes of finding solutions" and cut out a few other words.
Because itâs scared that . . ." But a bit awkward and wordy in places. I'd made "Identically" identical, and scratch "In hopes of finding solutions" and cut out a few other words.
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 8:15 AM
Very funny, Dan, but not today.
on some deleted poem
20 Jun 2004, 8:05 PM
A fine rendering of age, of hanging on, with the mind on the wane, body failing. We can all expect it, but I'd rather remember more than argueing crows and poison oak. Sad, but often true. Good
on Time Imperfect by MacFrantic
20 Jun 2004, 8:09 PM
Haunting and good.
on Frozen Soul by TLRufener
20 Jun 2004, 8:16 PM
I don't like about suicide, but if it helps you to cope, then okay. Some redundancies could be omitted like, "The world rushed by me / At an intense pace," as one example. "You quickly broke my neck" was a surprise.
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 4:55 AM
Charming and thoughtful in the beginning - funny in a thoughtful way. Toward the end it tastes a little sour, which of course it is, but maybe alittle more subtle would be more impressive. Like it!
on an ode to love by francis nor capule
21 Jun 2004, 5:01 AM
One of the best definitions of love I've seen. I really like, "for if logic or reason won over love, would it be the same?" Bravo!
"you thought him" -> you taught him
"you thought him" -> you taught him
on Where Else to Start But the End by cleverdevice
21 Jun 2004, 5:08 AM
Sadly true, some good insight. I'd call it free verse and look for ways to shorten it and cull the cliche, "Hell would freeze over."