on jay by ecargo
13 Apr 2006, 9:27 AM
They are audacious!
on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp
14 Apr 2006, 10:32 AM
I like #3 because of its double meaning. 10 on #3.
on slice of moonlight by lmp
17 Apr 2006, 4:55 PM
Good use of the Terza Rima rhyme scheme, without seeming forced.
on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger
18 Apr 2006, 6:55 AM
With the old spelling of "fair" and the Phoenix legend, I predicted the end. But did so wrongly - nice.
on Another quarter. by richa
17 Apr 2006, 7:30 AM
Some good connections: scalding frost, cuts like a cigar. scend gone like a left-out pie. Spring sprung. Good.
on Embrace by MacFrantic
13 Apr 2006, 3:58 PM
The grammar is off in the last two lines. I think it says that all you know is love. Okay, but that's not saying much.
on Lovely Independence by Sunny
17 Apr 2006, 7:39 AM
The enjambed verses don't work for me. You can do that, but only if a new thought begins in the new verse.
I think you mean botching.
I think you mean botching.
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2006, 6:38 AM
A nice sentiment. "Content with oblivion" seems too dark and pondering for an unborn - maybe "darkness"
"Hallowed" seems too religious, considering that's not your aim.
"Hallowed" seems too religious, considering that's not your aim.
on Sails of Sorrow by D. $ Fontera
13 Apr 2006, 4:06 PM
"I" in the chorus is the sun, but "I" in the verses is apparently the narrator. Does the sun curse the sea, or does the narrator?
A good start, and could be a good poem
A good start, and could be a good poem
on Sun's color by annadoc
21 Apr 2006, 3:45 PM
I like the dancing lilt of this. "prisms of color and light" could lose the "light." And "prisms" may not be right here. Prisms bend the white sunlight (refract it) and show off its colors. But that's the techie answer, yours is the poetic one. And the title seems wrong; is it really the sun's color that this is about or is it interaction with the sun?
on The Waiting Room by Sunny
19 Apr 2006, 5:03 PM
I like the ambiguous ending. I think such an ending deserves tightness throughout. That would make it stronger, I think.
"These depictions are levitating inside my peripherals" could "depictions levitate."
"I recognize this room as a waiting room." -> "a waiting room."
concrete certainties are the same as just "certainties."
etc.
"These depictions are levitating inside my peripherals" could "depictions levitate."
"I recognize this room as a waiting room." -> "a waiting room."
concrete certainties are the same as just "certainties."
etc.
on Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo
18 Apr 2006, 10:29 AM
I like the second verse; it's different, but familiar in feeling.
The first verse could lose the first line, I think, and the word "down" in line 2, since it's repeated in line 5.
The first verse could lose the first line, I think, and the word "down" in line 2, since it's repeated in line 5.
on view from the top by pollywolly
15 Apr 2006, 11:32 AM
Good until the last 3 lines, which negate her glorious view. Maybe she looks above the mist.
on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp
18 Apr 2006, 10:33 AM
"tri-ku" seems bland for a title. I would stick with "my girl's day."
on A Living Word by MacFrantic
13 Apr 2006, 9:36 AM
It starts out crisp an cutting, as it should. The second verse drifts from that focused beginning, and the third more so. I really like the first verse.
on A South London Lullaby by Caducus
18 Apr 2006, 10:40 AM
Sad and good. I don't know about the Rapunzel line. The last 4 lines need more of a lulaby sound, I think.
on take a jump with me by hendrimike
15 Apr 2006, 11:38 AM
You were doing good until the last 5 lines. They spoil the bravery by giving the conclusion.