on Flour by MacFrantic
6 Sep 2006, 2:59 PM
Yeah, I've been to those headstones, and seen that flour on her face. I've felt a mind crwoded with those thoughts. But I think the funky line ends and punctuation are attempst to shourd the impossible thing to say in poetic mystery, and it's easily seen through.
replying on From Across the Line by Dovina
6 Sep 2006, 1:55 PM
Gloriously dismal predicament.
replying on From Across the Line by Dovina
5 Sep 2006, 4:32 PM
Dismal
replying on From Across the Line by Dovina
5 Sep 2006, 4:31 PM
I had to laugh at the way you phrased that. But thanks.
on Singing by ThereseWaneck
4 Sep 2006, 6:46 PM
I like the flow of this, but think some of the straight lines (lines that don't end in "in'") could be be shortened or made light:
Thunder drums
Lightening strikes
An instrumental sweep
Thunder drums
Lightening strikes
An instrumental sweep
on a day of reparations by peaceseeker
4 Sep 2006, 6:42 PM
You were done an injustice back in December.
This is really good, and it was discarded as lesser poems were praised. "dignified behind the line
you drew" is great.
This is really good, and it was discarded as lesser poems were praised. "dignified behind the line
you drew" is great.
on Exposing Anne Frank by Caducus
4 Sep 2006, 4:14 PM
You have arroused me to wish I had time to read Anne Frank's diary. Maybe someday I will.
replying on Royal Blades by Dovina
4 Sep 2006, 3:58 PM
I can’t skate either, not very well, not anymore. It’s turning time back to when I could and when I didn’t write poetry, and putting then and now together for best bragging. And you thought your mind was slightly deranged.
on Let this world crumble to dust without you by A_Dark_Calm
3 Sep 2006, 5:23 PM
"Be with me, my wife, and I shall have a universe of life." What more could I ask. The rest of the poem does drag on a bit though.
After a hiatus, new beginnings are possible. If not because actual heart-rending changes have rooted, then just because a sense of having forgotten can be forged. Combatants can pound their swords into plowshares. Bitter disputes can be archived, and constructive exchange can begin. Or not.
on Deliberate Exclusion by MacFrantic
1 Sep 2006, 12:13 PM
This "Prose Poem" is too vague and lacks punch. Apparently her shameful obsequiousness is the narrator's objection. Why not make that clearly poignant?
Verse 2 is great.
Verse 1 needs a period after line 3.
Verse 3 could lose the quotes around his name, I think.
Verse 4 needs the space removed before "s" and a comma after "sick" and a period after line 2 and a period after Line 4.
Verse 5 needs an apostrophe in "mothers" and "Grandmothers" and a comma after Line 3 and a period after Line 4.
Verse 1 needs a period after line 3.
Verse 3 could lose the quotes around his name, I think.
Verse 4 needs the space removed before "s" and a comma after "sick" and a period after line 2 and a period after Line 4.
Verse 5 needs an apostrophe in "mothers" and "Grandmothers" and a comma after Line 3 and a period after Line 4.
on Let Me Entertain You by Bethy
30 Aug 2006, 8:29 PM
I must disagree with Ranger on the last line of verse 1, simply because I was laughing there.
Put a space before Hanky.
I don't like "dirty ole' girl" - sounds contradictory.
"I danced like a pro" sounds conceited, though I know what you mean.
Other than that, a fine fling and a fine ending.
Put a space before Hanky.
I don't like "dirty ole' girl" - sounds contradictory.
"I danced like a pro" sounds conceited, though I know what you mean.
Other than that, a fine fling and a fine ending.
on Pane Glass Lake by MacFrantic
30 Aug 2006, 8:23 PM
No comma after discovered.
Comma after fields.
Period after lakeside.
Temove "so."
Replace the colon with a comma.
At least it makes more sense to me that way.
Comma after fields.
Period after lakeside.
Temove "so."
Replace the colon with a comma.
At least it makes more sense to me that way.
on Words (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20
30 Aug 2006, 8:18 PM
I'm sure it's a tramatic event, but something is lost to me in the poetry. She (I assume she) is in your arms with her wrists cut opened, and she's alive enough to shed tears and talk of angels. Then she dies. And the only concern exoressed in the poem is that no words came to the narrator. It seems that action to stop the bleeding would be a greater concern. So there is something going on that I'm not getting from the poem.
replying on Ending Well by Dovina
27 Aug 2006, 12:52 PM
It does make sense to me that this is bland. Actually, it's a compliment. He decided that his appeal as a man had disappeared, and with no hope of regaining it, he would blandly carry on. I disagree with his conclusion, but can't deny it.
replying on How To Ride a Bicycle by Dovina
27 Aug 2006, 12:48 PM
Thanks for the comment. But pedal clips are only good for racing, in my opinion. If you are riding for pleasure or for going to work, you might get there 1% faster with your feet attached to the pedals. The added danger and inconvenience are not worth it. And it's nice to be able to shift your feet on the pedals for variety.
replying on With Old Light by Ranger
27 Aug 2006, 12:44 PM
"When laughter meets like dust with wilting light" effective.
"When wedding bells no longer sound contrite" seems irrelivant to "I will have no need to bid adieu", though it's a nice line by itself.
"where honeybees and heather grew" sets a scene, but the vinyard seems to change it.
"every hour is a cobweb flecked with frost" - effective. But switching to a "rusted gateway" could maybe be "fastened to a rusty fence" or something to keep the thought going.
The "windmills" verse hold a metaphor throughout, though it sets a new scene; I think of Holland now, and move away from the vinyards.
This may be of no help, but it's some thoughts.
"When wedding bells no longer sound contrite" seems irrelivant to "I will have no need to bid adieu", though it's a nice line by itself.
"where honeybees and heather grew" sets a scene, but the vinyard seems to change it.
"every hour is a cobweb flecked with frost" - effective. But switching to a "rusted gateway" could maybe be "fastened to a rusty fence" or something to keep the thought going.
The "windmills" verse hold a metaphor throughout, though it sets a new scene; I think of Holland now, and move away from the vinyards.
This may be of no help, but it's some thoughts.
replying on Ending Well by Dovina
27 Aug 2006, 12:25 PM
Thanks, I'll try that.