on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2002, 4:45 PM
Sweet Jesus in whom I do not believe, this is good.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:10 PM
Excellent. But then I've come to expect that...
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:09 PM
I'll be damned, I can't even think of a comment. I'm impressed.
on some deleted poem
25 Sep 2002, 5:16 PM
Hmmm... quite good. Though I confess I find it might actaually work better if it WAS written without line breaks, and simply presented as a prose poem, which is a quite acceptable (even vaguely respectable) form, despite what a lot of people will say.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:20 PM
I like the imagery, and the last two lines are wonderful, but I can't quite decide whether it has the effect I'd like it to. I can'T offer any detailed explanatio for that, it just doesn't seem quite right. Perhaps it would work better in connection with other poems in a vguely similar style, I don't know. Not my favourite of yours.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:07 PM
I have to agree with K??dresh here. The title is a verse beautiful beyond anything actually in the poem. 'Naive as turnips' is good -- perhaps because it's such an unusual image, and because turnips come across as a naive sort of root, for me it gives the effect of you reaching back to their age and becoming a 7-year-old again.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:15 PM
Very nice. The last line is particularly good. I'm not sure about the 'aqua eyes', though -- though I see the image and the progression to the water. The word itself just doesn't seem to flow as well as it could. But that's a piddling detail.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:24 PM
Eek. From my point of view, far from your best. Maybe I just have no taste. The last lines are good (one thing I do like about your poetry, at least that I've read, is that every poem, even if I don't like it, has a saving grace somewhere -- which is not the case with everyone.) Why the extra break between 'In 1 moment' -- 'On sweet...'? And also, why do you never spell out the numbers? Just wondering, it's not a problem or anything.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:26 PM
I like, I like. To be a pedant, it should be 'its', not 'it's' (line 6). A common mistake that really pisses me off.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:28 PM
Hmmm... I really like what your saying, but the way you do far less. The first two lines are magnificent, as is 'Where only your hands...' Is the period at the end of equivalent a note on how to read it aloud or something? I can't find any other explanation for it.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:36 PM
PHew... we shall end the God's Wife Marathon on this (obviously, as it's her latest). I suspect it'S better with music -- does it have some already, or is it just the right form for a tango? Doesn't quite suit what I'm listening to right now (Beethoven's Ninth) so I can't sing it out. Oh well. Anyway, the last two stanzas are much better than the first, and the last is best of all. I love the 'rosebud/roseblood' transfiguration. The only excuse I can find for the first two lines is that it's a song though. Still, very fine
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:03 PM
Hmmm... I rather like it. I have some trouble with the 'Annie' stanza though. First of all, 'I devoured her words like an antidote./While she lay dead as a mackerel,/Murdered by her own hand.' Should the period after 'antidote' be there? If so, the next two lines seem nonsense, as the 'While' refers to nothing. Also, for some reason the Hitler comment doesn't (to me) seem to work, possibly because Hitler did very little of the killing with his own hand. 'Her own Auschwitz' would work better I find (torture camp ending in death, what). Or something. But what do I know
on some deleted poem
19 Sep 2002, 6:39 PM
I suppose from my own poems the comment will be obvious: I love your imagery, but I don't really like the form. This is something that always annoys me in much of the best modern poetry. I look at it and think, 'This is bloody brilliant, to say the least. It's wonderful. Why don't I like it much?' Really a bit annoying, that.
on some deleted poem
6 Sep 2002, 9:36 PM
I'm not saying you're wrong about the awful, but convince me there's something wrong with gaUdy.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:05 PM
Nice. Nice.
on Recent History by Nicholas Jones
19 Sep 2002, 6:41 PM
This is not poetry. It is perhaps an interesting essay, though it could use some tweaking, but it is not poetry. It is an essay with arbitrary line breaks.
on some deleted poem
22 Sep 2002, 5:30 PM
Amusing. 'I own too many shoes' is sheer brilliance. That sentence makes the poem.
on some deleted poem
29 Aug 2002, 11:28 AM
It was six in the morning and I was tired. I should try that more often.