on Our Marriage by amanda_dcosta
29 Jan 2006, 11:26 AM
Sorry, but it sounds like a threesome, and an exceptionally sweet and sticky one at that.
on After Fighting (More Blood Edit) by zodiac
29 Jan 2006, 11:23 AM
Didn't see the original, but this one is great. :-)
replying on After Rain by Niphredil
29 Jan 2006, 11:19 AM
Thank you. I always read 'finally' as a two-syllable word... perhaps that's stretching the meter a bit.
Perhaps,
'At last the time had come, they knew, when each among them should'
would be better?
Sorry for the punchline wreaking havoc, guys, but this was written a little tongue-in-cheek and I couldn't resist. :-)
Perhaps,
'At last the time had come, they knew, when each among them should'
would be better?
Sorry for the punchline wreaking havoc, guys, but this was written a little tongue-in-cheek and I couldn't resist. :-)
replying on This Is Me by PoeticXTC
6 Jan 2006, 2:29 AM
Excuse me?
"Soft, cushy, tushy never missed by eyes.
Surrounded by thick, ham like thighs."
Is this a description of your personality? Because if it is, I beg pardon, you're obviously very interesting...
I assure you I caught your *point* in the poem, since it was glaringly obvious. But my previous statements still hold; you leave no room for thought, and instead you bombard the reader with a one-sided statement. It's like being force-fed. You don't really enjoy the food.
"Soft, cushy, tushy never missed by eyes.
Surrounded by thick, ham like thighs."
Is this a description of your personality? Because if it is, I beg pardon, you're obviously very interesting...
I assure you I caught your *point* in the poem, since it was glaringly obvious. But my previous statements still hold; you leave no room for thought, and instead you bombard the reader with a one-sided statement. It's like being force-fed. You don't really enjoy the food.
on This Is Me by PoeticXTC
4 Jan 2006, 8:59 AM
Poetry should be about imagination. Your step-by-step description doesn't provoke any thought with the reader; it's just a prettified catalogue of yourself. Perhaps more use of metaphor would render the poem more interesting; as it is, it bores me.
on Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe
4 Jan 2006, 8:53 AM
"stained glass", not "stain glass". Plus I don't care for the triple dashes ---; one is more than enough.
Other than that, it's very nice.
Other than that, it's very nice.
...With *HER* explanation. :-) I am woman, hear me roar.
In any case, I really think you're nitpicking. This was the kind of cedar tree I envisioned in the poem, which is quite large enough for darkness, snow-protection and whatever.
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/13011/130
I'd like to remind you that it's also twilight on a foggy day, which is really quite dark; the poem deals with the transition from black shadows against gray to entire darkness.
I think, however, that you misunderstand the general idea of the poem. It is meant to be told from the point of view of someone who has been dead for some time, and is now lying - perhaps in a grave? - beneath a cedar tree. Perhaps re-reading will clarify.
In any case, I really think you're nitpicking. This was the kind of cedar tree I envisioned in the poem, which is quite large enough for darkness, snow-protection and whatever.
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/13011/130
I'd like to remind you that it's also twilight on a foggy day, which is really quite dark; the poem deals with the transition from black shadows against gray to entire darkness.
I think, however, that you misunderstand the general idea of the poem. It is meant to be told from the point of view of someone who has been dead for some time, and is now lying - perhaps in a grave? - beneath a cedar tree. Perhaps re-reading will clarify.
The idea was of someone lying beneath a cedar tree, looking up; what they would see is a dark web of branches, framed by lighter foggy sky. Hence, the cedar tree is 'darkling', from that person's point of view. Nightfall would darken those gaps of foggy sky, rendering the landscape entirely black.
Besides, it doesn't even start snowing till the stanza before last! The 'softness' in the last stanza is meant to convey the image that the narrator is covered in snow. I'm afraid my logic still holds... in addition to the fact that I don't *have* to describe snow falling on somebody's face. :-)
Besides, it doesn't even start snowing till the stanza before last! The 'softness' in the last stanza is meant to convey the image that the narrator is covered in snow. I'm afraid my logic still holds... in addition to the fact that I don't *have* to describe snow falling on somebody's face. :-)
on The Darkness of Eternity by forestchild7
31 Dec 2005, 6:40 AM
it's = "it is". All your uses of this word should be replaced with "its".
replying on philosophy of a new age by crazyknight
31 Dec 2005, 4:46 AM
Thank you. Haikus have a very rigid pre-determined structure; not *every* three lines comprise a haiku!
on Desperate Season by Sisterwolf
31 Dec 2005, 4:24 AM
I thought the last stanza was excellent :-) and the poem as a whole is great.
a little criticism: I don't care for the stanza before last. It adds no additional feeling or tone to the poem, changes its descriptive flow, and I feel it could easily be dropped altogether.
I enjoy reading your work, Sister; keep writing!
a little criticism: I don't care for the stanza before last. It adds no additional feeling or tone to the poem, changes its descriptive flow, and I feel it could easily be dropped altogether.
I enjoy reading your work, Sister; keep writing!
on ghost host by elderking
31 Dec 2005, 4:12 AM
Good job. I don't really care for the title, though; it detracts from the rhyme in the last stanza.
on Shadow's Stride by D. $ Fontera
31 Dec 2005, 4:02 AM
Last stanza is nice. I don't get the first two...
on Ennui by Sisterwolf
30 Dec 2005, 3:30 AM
P.S. I feel this version is much better than the previous one, which I found somewhat muddled.
on Ennui by Sisterwolf
30 Dec 2005, 3:28 AM
Excellent poem :-) and I'd do just that, if only there were no lectures to attend...
on Don't Touch Me! by elderking
30 Dec 2005, 3:15 AM
Interesting, I liked the poem. I also enjoyed the occasional alliteration :-)
on Lost Identity by TLRufener
17 Dec 2005, 6:12 AM
I find the rhythm a little bit stilted.
The well-defined rhythm of these four lines:
"Iâve read this before,
Time and again;
But I canât seem to find
Where this nightmare ends."
doesn't quite seem to match the rather asymmetric last line of
"I have lost myself
To a savage beast.
I canât run fast enough
To escape their carnivorous feast."
A little fixing-up would make the poem flow more smoothly, in my opinion.
The well-defined rhythm of these four lines:
"Iâve read this before,
Time and again;
But I canât seem to find
Where this nightmare ends."
doesn't quite seem to match the rather asymmetric last line of
"I have lost myself
To a savage beast.
I canât run fast enough
To escape their carnivorous feast."
A little fixing-up would make the poem flow more smoothly, in my opinion.