poemranker ::After Rain by Niphredil

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Sonnet № 137610

After Rain

Member since 2005 · Posted 26 Jan 2006 · 5 comments

They came before the sundown, a gentle multitude, Through rain-swept ground, without a sound, they mildly passed by The time had finally come, they knew, when each among them should Forgo their darkened shelter; venture out beneath the sky. All they sought was sustenance and each one moved in peace A world apart; to each its heart, to each its beating breath. Not a moment did they falter; not an instant did they cease The first one never saw the wind that heralded his death. It started on the puddled ground, beneath the setting sun A holocaust of car exhaust as brutal boots crashed down And all the broken figures of all those too slow to run Smashed into a frieze of suffering; convoluted on the ground. And everywhere the eye beheld a multitude of slain, On every road and sidewalk strewn with snails after rain.

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mean 6.80 weighted 5.21 rank 4393 views 225 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

5 comments

[8] zodiac 26-Jan-06/10:10 AM Reply
Nice, except the punchline ending.
[8] Ranger 29-Jan-06/4:09 AM Reply
Yes, I'd agree with zodiac here. You work the rhyme very well and the rhythm is fairly constant - although 'finally' in line 3 is tricky; I'm torn between giving this a 7 and an 8, 8 for now I think as I'm in a good mood, but this is well worth an edit and I'll be sure to check it again.
[n/a] Niphredil › Ranger 29-Jan-06/11:19 AM Reply
Thank you. I always read 'finally' as a two-syllable word... perhaps that's stretching the meter a bit.
Perhaps,
'At last the time had come, they knew, when each among them should'
would be better?

Sorry for the punchline wreaking havoc, guys, but this was written a little tongue-in-cheek and I couldn't resist. :-)
[8] Ranger › Niphredil 29-Jan-06/1:37 PM Reply
Yes, I like that more. As for the punchline, well fair enough!
[9] amanda_dcosta 15-May-06/10:43 PM Reply
Lovely. I just have a vague idea of what a sonnetis especially the rhyming scheme, which I think you have stuck to, and apart from that, the content is good. I especially liked the third verse, the line...'A holocaust of car exhaust as brutal boots crashed down'.