How dare you steal from those poor Mexicans selling oranges on the street. They need every penny they can get to buy soap.

Damn! That's a really bad case of Peyronie's disease.

Nice. It didn't floor me but it's nicely done.

You should have noted that this was a lyric or hymn.

My personal favorite hymn:
I don't care if it rains or freezes
as long as I got my plastic Jesus.

Can I getta AMEN sista?

This poem looks like something the teacher made you write on the chalkboard for being bad.

Exhausting.

I think what they're trying to say is that Haiku are so condensed that few people are skilled enough to make them work well. There's alot more to it than 3 lines with a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.

A message similar the the end of the movie Jacob's Ladder. Sounds like an older poem of your's.

Shouldn't the last line go "Would he fit in the laundry?"

Christmas in Bedrock.
Wilma's suckin' Fred's cock.
Betty's lickin' her cunt,
Barney's fuckin' her butt,
and Dino's sprayin'em with his eggnog.

Merry Christmas Dov and Yabbadabbadoo. -10-

Answer the question at the bottom for me please:

This is a story about a girl.

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately.

However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was.

A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: Why did she kill her sister?

For some reason as I read this I took on the spirit of John Denver. Perkiest I've felt in weeks.


YEEHAW! Thank God I'm a country boy.

If you called it a lyric poem I might have been more impressed. This is one of those meant to be said not read poems. Sounds like excerpts of Bob Dylan songs.

For now I'll just analyze the first stanza and then you can see if you can identify any possible flaws in the others.
You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler.
"Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling.
Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb.
So now we have:
Traveling to class and back
on a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing tide.
Land outstretched on either side.

Now you have room to add:
Traveling the hours to class and back
on the bow of a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing summertide.
Land outstretched on either side.

You also get some enjambment this way.

You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle.
Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-

Facade.

Nope can't make that little tail thingy appear under my "C".