on Cecelia by Nicholas Monson
17 Dec 2002, 6:47 AM
"Audrey Hepburn with a Viking gene"--hee! Great fun and a technically (and otherwise) well-executed sonnet!
on alienheart by Bill Z Bub
11 Dec 2002, 6:54 AM
Hee! I love this! Playful, adept, "true majic."
on cold sonnet by <~>
10 Dec 2002, 8:13 PM
One of my absolute favorites. It reads aloud like an incantation. 10
on some deleted poem
10 Dec 2002, 2:27 PM
I like this; vivid and spare.
on To You, In Warmer Climes by <~>
10 Dec 2002, 9:11 AM
This is wonderful. I honestly think the "would have you here with me" lines in the first two stanzas weaken them--it's implicit in the "woulds" that he is not, and the penultimate lines are so strong it seems a shame not to let them stand. Maybe it's just me. Also, in the same vein, "badge of New England" is not as strong an image as "autumn's first blood" and seems to detract from it--you're winging south so must be north. I like the pun with Mercury.
on Missing the In-Between by <~>
10 Dec 2002, 8:29 AM
"We are warm together"--yegods, that's perfect. You and that lovely, earthy simplicity, damn you. Up to your usual standard.
on missing time by Bill Z Bub
7 Dec 2002, 8:10 AM
Wonderful! I think GW offers good advice regarding stopping after "new" in S4--you make your point with "rigidity" and "attack" later. "Clutched core" and the morning-madness kitty attack under the door are excellent. Not sure about the fold/gold/old rhyme--I'd probably drop it. Really like this.
on The Poem, The Explanation, The Goodbye by Piano
7 Dec 2002, 8:18 AM
Excellent poem. The explanation was unnecessary and melodramatic. Good luck to you and your dignity.
on some deleted poem
6 Dec 2002, 8:48 AM
I really like this. Are you Stephen Malkmus? (Lead singer of Pavement--the words Serpentine and "slip stream" remind of of some Pavement titles.) "Lips waxed by Maybelline" interrupts the flow for me. The rhymes work subtly and even the repetition of me in the last stanza works. What's the significance of the sixes? I looked up "Hinnom"--can you tell me your intent in including it? Sacrifice? Great work.
on some deleted poem
5 Dec 2002, 1:58 PM
You tell such great stories in your poems! I like this a lot, great details. A few comments:
Second stanza, third line: s/b preferring
Maybe drop "disorienting" next stanza and just go with "awakening to a vacant land"? Also, maybe end on a comma, not a period, so it runs into "chilled, surrounded by sand . . ." Not sure if you mean there "surrounded by sand; your smile; an echo of what was left of the moon" (i.e., surronded by all three)--right now, it kind of reads as if you're comparing his smile to an echo of the moon.
I love "limbless, carnal movements," but "hip" in the next line throws me, maybe "slide and sway?" and drop the mother line? (i.e., limbless carnal movements, signature of [something] and sway.) Did you put the mother line b/c of mother's milk/milking venom? Not sure I get that.
Comma after "truck" rather than period.
Last stanza is terrific. Hell, the whole thing is.
"Peerless" sound doesn't seem right.
Second stanza, third line: s/b preferring
Maybe drop "disorienting" next stanza and just go with "awakening to a vacant land"? Also, maybe end on a comma, not a period, so it runs into "chilled, surrounded by sand . . ." Not sure if you mean there "surrounded by sand; your smile; an echo of what was left of the moon" (i.e., surronded by all three)--right now, it kind of reads as if you're comparing his smile to an echo of the moon.
I love "limbless, carnal movements," but "hip" in the next line throws me, maybe "slide and sway?" and drop the mother line? (i.e., limbless carnal movements, signature of [something] and sway.) Did you put the mother line b/c of mother's milk/milking venom? Not sure I get that.
Comma after "truck" rather than period.
Last stanza is terrific. Hell, the whole thing is.
"Peerless" sound doesn't seem right.
on some deleted poem
4 Dec 2002, 7:41 PM
Disjointed and jagged. The commas are annoying and unnecessary most of the time. It's as if you're trying to force the rhythm.
It's emperor (I never get it right either.)
It's emperor (I never get it right either.)
on some deleted poem
4 Dec 2002, 7:49 PM
Your first two lines don't seem to match the mood of the rest of it. Third stanza is probably the strongest, but I think your last two lines there (first night of miracles and damnation) pack less of a punch than the preceding two (skirting the confines of the
true and the impossible). Maybe reverse the order? I like the "dreams that steal her breath." There should be more tension, I think, or heat.
true and the impossible). Maybe reverse the order? I like the "dreams that steal her breath." There should be more tension, I think, or heat.
on some deleted poem
4 Dec 2002, 9:58 AM
Okay, I'm probably being a dolt, but what's the shape supposed to convey?
on Poem For Times Such As These by Nicholas Jones
4 Dec 2002, 6:31 AM
I wouldn't call this imbecilic at all (and not just because I share many of your opinions here), but I would call it an essay, not a poem. Free verse was revolutionary because it broke the bonds of rigid structure, but it still, generally speaking, relied on condensed language chosen as much for sound and imagery as for the message or experience it conveyed. I don't get that here. Perhaps the rhythm is too subtle for me and others to pick up here.
on The Black Cottage by w~* ATHENA *~w
4 Dec 2002, 6:36 AM
Plagiarist. Loser. This is a Robert Frost poem.
on HATTIE by Nicholas Monson
4 Dec 2002, 6:48 AM
You have a deft touch. Wonderful imagery.
on Pretty Skin Deep by confuzdlilgirl
3 Dec 2002, 3:52 PM
Great title for a punk rock song--Why not play with it--"pretty skin deep," word sounds, word play, stream of consciousness, and see what happens when you don't concentrate on rhymes and telling a tale.
on The Magician by Hooman
2 Dec 2002, 5:07 PM
I think you mean "fear is a desert," not a crepe suzette. I don't mock--I once wrote "draught holds the memory of water." (Which it surely does, but that wasn't the point.)
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2002, 5:16 PM
I'd like this if only because you used "crenellated" without using "battlements"--but I like it for a lot of other reasons. Lovely sustained imagery. Stanza three--think it'd be stronger if you ended on "threaded [with?] the colors of the morn" and dropped the next line.