on some deleted poem
18 Jul 2006, 8:29 AM
I just had to read 'Good King Browneceslas' to stop me from dying of boredom
on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta
21 Jul 2006, 1:53 AM
The images are conjured vividly and the stronger opening helps. The ending was a bit of a letdown as I got the impression throughout that this was going to be a chilled out poem about driving around in the elements and in the end i think you xcranked the gears and spun out out control (pardon the cheesy pun).
If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece.
Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.
If you made this about six or so lines shorter it could be a really cool piece.
Dont get me wrong its good, worth a 7 or 8 in my opinion but not the finished piece it could be.
on I'm Learning To Drive by amanda_dcosta
21 Jul 2006, 2:02 AM
Here's an example creating more of a controlled meter, a touch of metaphor yet retaining what you implied in the original.
If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose.
sitting at the wheel.
rain clouds storm heaven
trees arch like a whores back,
with electric veins and drums
Heâs there in my vehicle
an observant kindly instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commandsâ¦
âLeft indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly⦠hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if youâre confident, shift your gears to three
and speed onâ.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets heâs there.
The thrill of being in control
envelopes my senses.
Iâm transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rainâs pouring down
and I donât know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
heâs got the controls
on his side too,
and Iâm saved in the nick of time.
Lord, how could I forget
Youâre in control of my life?
Iâm glad you are.
If you want to change the following stanzas give it a go, the flow and line meter alone can do wonders to the readability and general impresson a poem can give. You have the whimsical vibe and portray things nice enough its just the control you kinda lose.
sitting at the wheel.
rain clouds storm heaven
trees arch like a whores back,
with electric veins and drums
Heâs there in my vehicle
an observant kindly instructor,
Watching my every move,
eyes fixed on the road
he commandsâ¦
âLeft indicator,
brakes a little,
clutch and first gear,
move on slowly⦠hump ahead
press the clutch and shift to two,
accelerate a bit,
if youâre confident, shift your gears to three
and speed onâ.
And so I do. I shift to the fourth,
speed away,
ever confident that I know it all
and forgets heâs there.
The thrill of being in control
envelopes my senses.
Iâm transferred to a world of my own,
till I come to a junction;
the rainâs pouring down
and I donât know how to stop,
when he suddenly presses
the brakes..
and then I realize
heâs got the controls
on his side too,
and Iâm saved in the nick of time.
Lord, how could I forget
Youâre in control of my life?
Iâm glad you are.
on Nomads by amanda_dcosta
5 Jun 2006, 1:50 AM
Now this is real good and line 3 is the thoughts i would share when i see the same view.
V.good
V.good
on My secret to life by amanda_dcosta
23 Jun 2006, 1:37 AM
typo - by-pass
not bad, I like the occasional rhyme and the fact you wrote what followed on well as opposed to rhyme overdose.
not bad, I like the occasional rhyme and the fact you wrote what followed on well as opposed to rhyme overdose.
on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta
5 Jun 2006, 1:53 AM
Some of the rhymings off due to a sense of allegiance of rhtme over substance but their is also some good lines notably 17-19 and first stza fairly good.
on some deleted poem
29 Jun 2006, 7:03 AM
Welcome to poemranker.
I would suggest you make your welcome easier by considering the following.
1) All poetry posted on poemranker is copyrighted.
I think the copyright message you have posted is pompous and patronizing.
PS - the standard of your poetry is nothing to get excited about.
Get a life.
I would suggest you make your welcome easier by considering the following.
1) All poetry posted on poemranker is copyrighted.
I think the copyright message you have posted is pompous and patronizing.
PS - the standard of your poetry is nothing to get excited about.
Get a life.
on Here's your God by Caducus
1 Aug 2006, 5:33 AM
rough draft
on Children of Wolves by Caducus
5 Aug 2006, 1:43 AM
Anyone read Birthday letters?
on The Breathing Dead by Caducus
18 Aug 2006, 6:35 AM
how the fuck did this shite turn up on the best list - someone get it down
on August 23, 1944 - 102 miles west of Paris by Ranger
16 Aug 2006, 2:46 AM
damn good
on some deleted poem
24 Aug 2006, 1:20 AM
dont get the last line it seems.......weird.
Soz
Soz
on A Tragic Love Tryst In The Park Near The Sewage Works by Edna Sweetlove
24 Aug 2006, 1:19 AM
bravo
on On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones
24 Aug 2006, 1:23 AM
Strong and well crafted opening. This reminded me of Larkin's earlier works in his Juvenilia poems chronicling coventry in a repugnant light and the sense of sadness that his birthplace was decaying.
Its an excellent piece with an assertive voice and deserves praise.
Its an excellent piece with an assertive voice and deserves praise.
on An Ode To My Dead Husband Bert by Edna Sweetlove
1 Sep 2006, 7:23 AM
Bert sounds like a man my Aunt married.
Gratuitously gross
well done
Gratuitously gross
well done
on some deleted poem
6 Aug 2007, 8:15 AM
reminds me of malcolm who i worked with, are you writing his biography lol
on 1765: The Coventry Hangings by Caducus
5 Sep 2007, 5:26 AM
Pippin and cofa are indiginous trees of coventry 'cofa tree' was where coventry derived.
After these hangings they were treated to a coating of hot tar and left to rot for 35 years - Coventry justice has never been the same since lol.
After these hangings they were treated to a coating of hot tar and left to rot for 35 years - Coventry justice has never been the same since lol.
on 1765: The Coventry Hangings by Caducus
5 Sep 2007, 5:27 AM
oh and 'coventry blue' was the colour renowned that coventry weavers produced until the early 20th century.
on While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT
17 Oct 2007, 1:34 AM
Sweet. The seperation of adult responsibility and childhood innocence all linked by flesh until the teddy is subtle yet leaves me wanting those good ole 'stand by me' river phoenix days back.