on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 7:27 AM
so many things wrong with this.
Still nevermind, I'm sure the kids'll laugh
Still nevermind, I'm sure the kids'll laugh
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2003, 3:31 AM
fun excursion into the realms of shakespearian sonnet.
Rather good
Rather good
on On getting back by horus8
9 Sep 2003, 7:41 AM
image and ambiguity, violence
a fine piece
a fine piece
on Can you believe this piece of shit was #1? by horus8
9 Sep 2003, 8:52 AM
yes, teams of editors tend to pick 'competition' style poems that noeone will argue too much about. Editors just distill.
Anyway I will rank your poem later, what score do you want?
Anyway I will rank your poem later, what score do you want?
on At a hotel room in Royal Oak by horus8
9 Sep 2003, 8:41 AM
good this, I meant to comment when you wrote it but my computer crashed.
Of all your poems this one and the if people still dont know why people hate america they should get out some more one are ones that I keep remembering
Of all your poems this one and the if people still dont know why people hate america they should get out some more one are ones that I keep remembering
on What's World Peace? by DeadtotheWorld
6 Sep 2003, 12:37 PM
I am sure much of this is true, but it needs framing better. A different perspective, something to interest the cynic
on some deleted poem
6 Sep 2003, 12:45 PM
not uninteresting swing ingfrom 'she will not listen' (she doesn't want you), to 'to try and forgive her' (as though she seeks your approval'
Not much to go on though
Not much to go on though
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2003, 3:27 AM
everything is a cliche, and unsubstantiated words tossed around like evil and insanity.
The rhythm is good, but I'm not sure the frivolous treatment of schizophrenia is entirely appropriate.
Unless the voices in your head are god?
then you are divine (szasz), but it needs to be a bit more explicit about that.
The rhythm is good, but I'm not sure the frivolous treatment of schizophrenia is entirely appropriate.
Unless the voices in your head are god?
then you are divine (szasz), but it needs to be a bit more explicit about that.
on The Last Day Of Christ by Mr Pig
4 Sep 2003, 7:45 AM
an adept use of religious language.
'yeast baptized in wine' is a good idea, I think it says people feasting with bread and wine. There is no need for baptized though, the (red) wine of communion is sufficient to make the christ reference. Some of the bigger words seem to impede the flow, so it is best to have no redundancy.
I like 'a carpenter dying on wood' an interesting irony to point out
'yeast baptized in wine' is a good idea, I think it says people feasting with bread and wine. There is no need for baptized though, the (red) wine of communion is sufficient to make the christ reference. Some of the bigger words seem to impede the flow, so it is best to have no redundancy.
I like 'a carpenter dying on wood' an interesting irony to point out
on The One and Only by J.B. Manning
4 Sep 2003, 7:50 AM
the last line is a bit infantile, and destroys the flow.
Other than that it has a rather good lyrical flow, a bit like a rap song. And a rap song about the one and only me is hardly original.
But overall quite enjoyable
Other than that it has a rather good lyrical flow, a bit like a rap song. And a rap song about the one and only me is hardly original.
But overall quite enjoyable
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 8:13 AM
women have bodily fluids but I'm not sure they have fluid bodies.
'Scarlet' and the like are horrible words to use because they sound as if they have been contrived, if you are not going to draw a comparison with some other object you might as well say red.
Doesn't seem to follow in many parts 'yet.. we struggle
to pierce the curtain of the night. Why yet, as the light is dying it would be expected you could not pierce the night.
It all looks too much like the writer is aiming for some template of a good poem, you get all the right words in but there is no sense of an image.
'Scarlet' and the like are horrible words to use because they sound as if they have been contrived, if you are not going to draw a comparison with some other object you might as well say red.
Doesn't seem to follow in many parts 'yet.. we struggle
to pierce the curtain of the night. Why yet, as the light is dying it would be expected you could not pierce the night.
It all looks too much like the writer is aiming for some template of a good poem, you get all the right words in but there is no sense of an image.
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 7:24 AM
posted this a while ago, And somewhere else where a couple of people slated it.
Thinking of editing it, perhaps building a place around the kind of narrative.
Any pointers
Thinking of editing it, perhaps building a place around the kind of narrative.
Any pointers
on some deleted poem
4 Sep 2003, 7:30 AM
yeah ok, could do with being a bit shorter.
I got the point early on and you just kept repeating it.
I got the point early on and you just kept repeating it.
on The Mellifluous Sound of God: Musical Eden by Don-Quixote
28 Aug 2003, 1:46 PM
not particularly poetic reads well as prose though lots of surprise images.
Loses it a bit with phantasmagoric though
Loses it a bit with phantasmagoric though
on opening time? by wormsy
28 Aug 2003, 1:39 PM
like the first two lines, admittedly the first is nicked.
Set up well but flounders, why are his eyes full of puss?
Set up well but flounders, why are his eyes full of puss?
on Birds of Paradise by Domus
28 Aug 2003, 1:42 PM
flows nice, the pointy is clear. Pays service to a little imagery.
And your sister unable to vomit. Funny rats can't vomit either although the do feel sick if you inject them with saline.
anyway quite good
And your sister unable to vomit. Funny rats can't vomit either although the do feel sick if you inject them with saline.
anyway quite good
on the blessed by forevergreen
7 Sep 2003, 3:44 AM
pain is a gift?
on Curiously here by philthegreek
4 Sep 2003, 7:53 AM
Its ok up to half way, then it loses its meter at 'old and grey' and nothing really happens
has the same nice form of your other poems but....
'bright colours can never be tuned out of the mind'
where have i heard that.... halmark/johnk/a daniel bedingfield song?