replying on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
28 Jan 2004, 2:57 PM
i agree that a poem should not be so obtuse that you can't figure out what it's trying to say
however, i also think a good piece doesn't need an explanatory note, that everything you need to get is in the poem itself
however, even with everything in the poem, it shouldn't be completely spelled out for the reader, no hand holding
i just find it more rewarding as a reader if i discover the meaning rather than being told the meaning
of course, this is just my opinion, and when make something as subjective as an opinion about something as equally subjective in definition as poetry, it's bound to be wrong to more than a few people
and i certainly don't claim to be any expert
sorry if i'm being too critical here, you can feel free to tell me to shut up whenever
however, i also think a good piece doesn't need an explanatory note, that everything you need to get is in the poem itself
however, even with everything in the poem, it shouldn't be completely spelled out for the reader, no hand holding
i just find it more rewarding as a reader if i discover the meaning rather than being told the meaning
of course, this is just my opinion, and when make something as subjective as an opinion about something as equally subjective in definition as poetry, it's bound to be wrong to more than a few people
and i certainly don't claim to be any expert
sorry if i'm being too critical here, you can feel free to tell me to shut up whenever
replying on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
28 Jan 2004, 2:48 PM
what do you mean?
replying on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
28 Jan 2004, 2:47 PM
on second read, the first hard rhyme is fine
but i would remove "So you won't be dead already"
i think that's a bit too much telling
we can already infer that she's dead when we get to that line
i have no idea what to say about the gray light/daylight thing :)
but i would remove "So you won't be dead already"
i think that's a bit too much telling
we can already infer that she's dead when we get to that line
i have no idea what to say about the gray light/daylight thing :)
replying on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
28 Jan 2004, 2:36 PM
on second read the first instance (stoplight/midnights) works
i would leave that alone
i would also remove
"So you won't be dead already"
i think there are enough clues in the poem so you don't have to spell it out like that
i would leave that alone
i would also remove
"So you won't be dead already"
i think there are enough clues in the poem so you don't have to spell it out like that
on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
28 Jan 2004, 11:57 AM
personally, i would lose the explanation at the beginning
we should figure it out on our own
stoplight/midnight and light/daylight are hard rhymes and should not be so close together
i also think "it's the coming, i think, of daylight" feels out of place and is awkwardly worded
you don't really use that kind of syntax anywhere else
all that said, once again, you right good stuff
we should figure it out on our own
stoplight/midnight and light/daylight are hard rhymes and should not be so close together
i also think "it's the coming, i think, of daylight" feels out of place and is awkwardly worded
you don't really use that kind of syntax anywhere else
all that said, once again, you right good stuff
replying on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
28 Jan 2004, 11:55 AM
i actually like "fellow"
it implies fellowship
her ghost is keeping you company
i think it completely works with the rest of the piece
it implies fellowship
her ghost is keeping you company
i think it completely works with the rest of the piece
on Cecelia by Nicholas Monson
27 Jan 2004, 4:06 PM
most excellent
i think "missiles" does not fit
but that's the only thing i can find fault with
"An Audrey Hepburn with a Viking gene" is SUCH an inspired line, i love it
i think "missiles" does not fit
but that's the only thing i can find fault with
"An Audrey Hepburn with a Viking gene" is SUCH an inspired line, i love it
on Aphrodite (edited) by Caducus
27 Jan 2004, 3:57 PM
need to work on your iambic pentameter a bit
also, it doesn't really speak to me, but i think that's just because i don't care much for this particular mythology
also, it doesn't really speak to me, but i think that's just because i don't care much for this particular mythology
on The woods house by zodiac
27 Jan 2004, 3:52 PM
wow, just wow
i feel like a humble ass clown in comparison
my one teeny tiny note would be that i enjoyed the breaks that spanned the stanzas
and wished that all the stanzas did that
going back and forth was only slightly jarring
i think in general though, your breaks are great
and really adds to the feel
i feel like a humble ass clown in comparison
my one teeny tiny note would be that i enjoyed the breaks that spanned the stanzas
and wished that all the stanzas did that
going back and forth was only slightly jarring
i think in general though, your breaks are great
and really adds to the feel
on Hollywood Blue by Mona Lisa
27 Jan 2004, 3:43 PM
First stanza -
L4: personally I would change this to :
And popsicle-peeled.
L6&7: pink champagne AND fizzy pop seems like too much unless you add a but:
They give her pink champagne
But she asked for fizzy pop
Second stanza is great
Third stanza -
L5: misspelling - fetal
L6: "Father Figure" is WAY too obvious
L7: this entire last line is also WAY too obvious and a bit of a let down for the culmination of this piece
many people write poems about junkies and heroin
this is a fairly decent portrayal of the starlett seduced by drugs
i would just fix the few things i mentioned
less is more, it really is
L4: personally I would change this to :
And popsicle-peeled.
L6&7: pink champagne AND fizzy pop seems like too much unless you add a but:
They give her pink champagne
But she asked for fizzy pop
Second stanza is great
Third stanza -
L5: misspelling - fetal
L6: "Father Figure" is WAY too obvious
L7: this entire last line is also WAY too obvious and a bit of a let down for the culmination of this piece
many people write poems about junkies and heroin
this is a fairly decent portrayal of the starlett seduced by drugs
i would just fix the few things i mentioned
less is more, it really is
replying on sunday morning precarious by andrewjthomas
27 Jan 2004, 3:26 PM
i replaced it with the virginia beach poem
i got tired of waiting to post something
and now that i know the strange smell comes from eating asparagus
it just doesn't seem as cool anymore
i got tired of waiting to post something
and now that i know the strange smell comes from eating asparagus
it just doesn't seem as cool anymore
replying on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas
27 Jan 2004, 2:43 PM
that's ok, i can handle opposing advice
how about "he wonders if the turtles can feel his longing"?
how about "he wonders if the turtles can feel his longing"?
replying on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas
27 Jan 2004, 2:42 PM
w00t
replying on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas
27 Jan 2004, 2:38 PM
i love the seaweed suggestion, edit has already been made
thanks so much
thanks so much
replying on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas
27 Jan 2004, 2:26 PM
hmm, tweaked again
i'm a little sad to lose the word play of "sees" but i think you're right
as for the ending, i'm not sure how to change it
"how the turtles feel" is sorta the climax
i'm a little sad to lose the word play of "sees" but i think you're right
as for the ending, i'm not sure how to change it
"how the turtles feel" is sorta the climax
on P.M.S. by Princess_Snowflake
27 Jan 2004, 2:16 PM
this is better than the coffee poem
you at least make the repetition work for you here
you at least make the repetition work for you here
on A morning conflict by INTRANSIT
27 Jan 2004, 2:14 PM
i just don't like the double-use of "urn"
give us something different there please
otherwise, very fun read
give us something different there please
otherwise, very fun read
replying on I smell coffee by Princess_Snowflake
27 Jan 2004, 2:13 PM
oh yes, please "wright" them, but for the love of god don't write them!
and i seriously don't mean to be an ass