on An Unreal Iowa December Night by LuckyJoe
4 Aug 2003, 10:38 AM
change breezes presents to "breezes' presents, also "froze" to "frozen"
on father by girlandwords
4 Aug 2003, 10:26 AM
I think you mean muscles' pains, unless it is just one muscle that aches.
on American Eden by Don-Quixote
4 Aug 2003, 10:24 AM
Line 2: It's
Line 3: society's code
Line 6: It's (It's needs an apostrophe throughout)
Maybe add something about the tortured's so-called "learned helplessness"
self-pity instead of self pity
I like the line about rusted eyelids.
take the ashes of a war
and turn it into solid bricks (change "it" to "them" - the ashes)
and does not see pure white snow- maybe change to "the white purity"
but a beautiful rainbow
of color just waiting to be realized.
(little too cliche there, maybe "a spectrum of colors aching to be released (or restored)"
chained immediately since birth, - how about "chained immediately after birth" or "chained since birth"
I like the last three lines.
This has some good parts, but I think you need more fresh images. Some parts, especially earlier in the piece, are too teachy.
Line 3: society's code
Line 6: It's (It's needs an apostrophe throughout)
Maybe add something about the tortured's so-called "learned helplessness"
self-pity instead of self pity
I like the line about rusted eyelids.
take the ashes of a war
and turn it into solid bricks (change "it" to "them" - the ashes)
and does not see pure white snow- maybe change to "the white purity"
but a beautiful rainbow
of color just waiting to be realized.
(little too cliche there, maybe "a spectrum of colors aching to be released (or restored)"
chained immediately since birth, - how about "chained immediately after birth" or "chained since birth"
I like the last three lines.
This has some good parts, but I think you need more fresh images. Some parts, especially earlier in the piece, are too teachy.
on Parades for cripples (Shit bag) by Thome Plumpe by Bachus
4 Aug 2003, 9:51 AM
Pruney-licious. More typos than you usually permit, Bachus.
on Sex on bugs by LuckyJoe
4 Aug 2003, 9:45 AM
I thought the pill was a "pill bug", you know, a "roly poly", (from the lobster family, no less), so I was too grossed out to answer any of your comprehensive questions.
on In Gold Leaf by bearhead
4 Aug 2003, 9:40 AM
Shouldn't it say w/ "owners' names". I like the ending.
on A Reporters Saturday Headline Review by Don-Quixote
3 Aug 2003, 8:21 AM
I would say "Section 8 housing" rather than "low income". If the devil can't fool the Housing Authority, who could?
on Reptilian Evolution by DreamerSupreme
3 Aug 2003, 8:12 AM
I like that the narrator's probes identified this "jar of custard", but his conversion to mustard is something altogether different. Why did the narrator taste him anyway? I think skydive is one word. 10
on Tuning Fork by rusty
3 Aug 2003, 8:05 AM
Nice. I like the last three lines and the juxtaposition of the Easter Bunny or Boogie Man.
on A Circle Starts with C by rusty
3 Aug 2003, 8:03 AM
I love the Alice in Wonderland type feel, the mattress giggling, etc. What about this "phine" though? 10
on Grampa Morris by http://bandgeek
2 Aug 2003, 7:41 PM
That is dark justice. Group therapy anyone?
on I Can See the Sunset in Her Eyes by justjay
2 Aug 2003, 7:33 PM
Sweet. Better metaphors and descriptions on this one.
on Perfection by justjay
2 Aug 2003, 7:31 PM
Keep thinking. "When you smile,
You light up the room." has been written by every
poet in their early work, but you can think of a different, better metaphor.
You light up the room." has been written by every
poet in their early work, but you can think of a different, better metaphor.
on Mind Puddle by justjay
2 Aug 2003, 7:25 PM
Interesting. The periods seem a little arbitrary.
replying on Malcontent by EAger to Offend
2 Aug 2003, 7:21 PM
You are right, it isn't a George W. word if you KNOW it is not a real word. I love the uniquity of your vocabulary.
on The Chronicle by Fear of Garbage
2 Aug 2003, 12:07 PM
Great. A little on the prosey side with your grammatical, complete sentences (not that I can talk).