on Those weeks I slit my wrists to the Smiths by Jeremi B. Handrinos
13 Nov 2003, 10:50 AM
quite a week. yep, quite a week.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 11:00 AM
Wow - a seven syllable word!
and yes, truth is a many sided coin - the concept would work if it wasn't for language.
and yes, truth is a many sided coin - the concept would work if it wasn't for language.
on paint me a poem (try 2) by nentwined
13 Nov 2003, 7:17 AM
an epiphimal transformation, and I don't agree that it feels forced.
The cadence is flawless and that should erase any perceived awkwardness.
Granted, the perspective is a bit... whats the word? 'Commanding'? 'Pretentious' is too strong - whatever; it works fine to my ear.
Rock on.
The cadence is flawless and that should erase any perceived awkwardness.
Granted, the perspective is a bit... whats the word? 'Commanding'? 'Pretentious' is too strong - whatever; it works fine to my ear.
Rock on.
on Something I Hope I Would Not Hear Myself Speak by Lifeboatman
13 Nov 2003, 8:24 AM
Reads pretty good, actually. Sometimes those wings can give a pre-impression.
Couple crits for you, if you are so inclined.
a comma after "decency" would work well overall, methinks
nest-[sites]? or were you making a play on "nasty"; either way.
"bust seats"? what is that? bus seats? if the "nest-sties" was intentional, then I'd believe this was too.
The last two lines are - perfect.
Couple crits for you, if you are so inclined.
a comma after "decency" would work well overall, methinks
nest-[sites]? or were you making a play on "nasty"; either way.
"bust seats"? what is that? bus seats? if the "nest-sties" was intentional, then I'd believe this was too.
The last two lines are - perfect.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 10:42 AM
ahhh to bask in the sweet moonlight of my Middle-Derbyshire home.
thank you.
thank you.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 1:19 PM
For the most part it flows pretty well - I get occasionally hung up on little typos or spelling errors and some apparently personal images but metaphors like "virgin grass wishing to be parted" win the day.
okay, "rain-water thin" to indicate a small thing is logically flawed, but hey - what the hell.
The best part, however, is hearing the explanation of what it all means.
to experience that gap bridged is really the cake under the icing.
"just a contrast between the equivalence of nature, and the rigid hierarch[ical] structures of the constructed world."
Good stuff.
okay, "rain-water thin" to indicate a small thing is logically flawed, but hey - what the hell.
The best part, however, is hearing the explanation of what it all means.
to experience that gap bridged is really the cake under the icing.
"just a contrast between the equivalence of nature, and the rigid hierarch[ical] structures of the constructed world."
Good stuff.
on What the fuck is a HAIKU anyway? by titan69
13 Nov 2003, 7:01 PM
Dont get you examples here - they are mostly senryu.
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2003, 8:56 AM
TWELVE (at this moment) blue zeros - a pre-emptive strike apparently - and a sad one; losers.
have a ten.
have a ten.
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2003, 11:47 AM
Quite lovely - I like, in particular, that second to last stanza.
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2003, 11:32 PM
Thank you for the good votes, whoever else you may be, as for the zeros?
Is this really that bad? I would think a petrarchan alone would be worth a five - trying not to be too disapointed.
Is this really that bad? I would think a petrarchan alone would be worth a five - trying not to be too disapointed.
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2003, 11:59 PM
pebbles inside out... hmmm, a fresh concept.
Songbirds as singing, falling stones - it sounds pretty, but I know its sinister.
The repetition of light in the last stanza is unflattering. you have an opportunity for a good twist; you should take it. -7-
Songbirds as singing, falling stones - it sounds pretty, but I know its sinister.
The repetition of light in the last stanza is unflattering. you have an opportunity for a good twist; you should take it. -7-
on Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote
14 Nov 2003, 11:53 PM
"liquescent" - nice, also: "non compos mentis eye"
I like this - I would like it more without the half sentence after the last comma. -8-
I like this - I would like it more without the half sentence after the last comma. -8-
on Good Riddance by dragonfly
14 Nov 2003, 11:55 PM
Hey - this is really pretty good. I'm thinking the rhyming might take away from the seriousness of it, but as it is - it works.
How about another version without rhyme? But keep this one too. -8-
How about another version without rhyme? But keep this one too. -8-
on some deleted poem
15 Nov 2003, 12:02 AM
hart should/be heart
to s/b too
pocked s/b poked
less telling, more showing -5-
to s/b too
pocked s/b poked
less telling, more showing -5-
on some deleted poem
15 Nov 2003, 12:04 AM
"wow, this is long"
But I didn't even read it after the premise.
-no vote-
But I didn't even read it after the premise.
-no vote-
on Heretic Haikus by SupremeDreamer
15 Nov 2003, 12:08 AM
A nice conceptual run! and your first 'haiku'; good job. Too bad we don't have another classification for 5/7/5 poems.
try these as cinquain (2/4/6/8/2)
-7-
try these as cinquain (2/4/6/8/2)
-7-
on some deleted poem
15 Nov 2003, 12:14 AM
Richa I like this one alot better.
The linebreaks are a bit distracting though, but if I read it and make my own - it's a winner.
having said that, that last prep phrase, what's it doing there. I think its a blemish on an otherwise pretty face.
-8-
The linebreaks are a bit distracting though, but if I read it and make my own - it's a winner.
having said that, that last prep phrase, what's it doing there. I think its a blemish on an otherwise pretty face.
-8-
on The Gala Apple by peaceseeker
15 Nov 2003, 12:17 AM
VEry dense. Too dense imho. A few real gems in there and I would have stuck with it if there was some satisfying payoff at the end (pretty much anything except a hand kissed goodnight).
Prolly five really good poems in there.
dig
them
out.
-7-
Prolly five really good poems in there.
dig
them
out.
-7-
on You love it. by skaskowski
15 Nov 2003, 12:20 AM
I don't hate it. It's got a fresh format too.
I almost hate the last part, but the others are so good I'm willing to live with it.
and if the "love" in the title has anything to do with tennis scorings, I will re-visit this with a ONE.
-8-
I almost hate the last part, but the others are so good I'm willing to live with it.
and if the "love" in the title has anything to do with tennis scorings, I will re-visit this with a ONE.
-8-
on Outhouse by newagepoet2000
15 Nov 2003, 12:26 AM
Hmmmm. stinky, and I'm annoyed at the waste of the precious posting space (not being blessed with multiple user names - and I'm not saying you are either, and besides, it's perfectly legal).
-5- cuz it's the closest thing to a real haiku anyone has posted here in a while (at least it's about nature).
-5- cuz it's the closest thing to a real haiku anyone has posted here in a while (at least it's about nature).